I re-read my post from January 2007, and in it I wrote…

This year sucked, and if you know me you know why, and I’m here to put it in writing, if 2007 is as awful as 2004, 2005, and 2006, this is the final New years Day post I’ll be putting up, because I’ll have killed myself.

Well, I didn’t post anything last January, because really, I don’t have much to say, but apparently I’m all talk with no follow through.

To the best of my recollection tonight was the first New Years Eve since January 1, 2005 that I haven’t gone to the grave site at midnight. I feel very weird about it. Â Not very happy about it. Today we had a decent snow storm, and really, I kinda doubt they’d have plowed the place, and midnight would not be the time to get stuck slamming into a gravestone and not being able to get out.

Bart: Dad, knocking over gravestones is bad luck!
Homer: Really? I heard good.

That’s from the Simpsons…obviously, and seems fitting. There’s also the fact that it’s 7 degrees out there, dark and scary as shit by myself at midnight there. But really, I’m torn. I feel I can come up with all the excuses in the world, but I still should have gone.

It’s weird. I know my brother isn’t at the graveyard, I know I have just as good of a chance of talking to him and having him hear me sitting here on my couch as I do standing over his footstone in freezing temperatures spooked at every little sound, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Truthfully, I feel like shit. I think a part of me used all these excuses as a reason to not go, because eventually I’m not gonna be able to make it every year. And while I for some reason feel I should go, my logical side fights with me saying he wouldn’t want or expect me to go there every year, because if the roles were reversed (goddamn it I wish the roles were revered) I certainly wouldn’t want or expect him to do the same. I mean when he was here, I’d make damn sure to call him and tell him happy birthday every year on the phone, but I certainly didn’t drive over and see him every year. And of course I still plan on going during the day tomorrow, when it’ll be sunny out and hopefully plowed, but still, it just feels like something I should do. I don’t know. Â Blah blah, I’m sad crying and babbling right now, hopefully what I’m trying to say is coming across.

Anyway, this is my fourth christmas and new years without my brother. I don’t really know why I post these, not many people (if anyone) reads these, and I think I like that, I think it makes it easier to post stuff like this. Â I do feel it’s gonna be interesting to look back some day and see how hard it was, or hopefully how it seemed to get easier over time. It’s still damn tough. I still cry like a fucking baby thinking about it. Â It’s certainly gotten easier over the years, I am able to talk about what’s happened and stories about him and get through most things fine, but christmas fucking sucked after a great day with the family, stopping by the grave stone just really brought it all back again. If I think about it, or think about the finality of it all, it’s tough, but those thoughts are not on my mind every day anymore.

Madison has taken to asking me how her daddy died. Twice I’ve been asked this in the past two weeks. Let me tell you how hard it is to answer that question from a curious daughter without breaking down crying and freaking her out because she wouldn’t understand. She understands her father took a fall, she understands he’s dead, but doesn’t quite understand the finality of that. She likes hearing stories about her daddy, and like a month ago, she was looking at the pictures in my wallet (a couple of her, and one of her daddy) and she just sat there holding it, staring at the picture, and for a little while was hugging the wallet and picture close to her heart. I really like that she’s interested and misses her father, but it’s still really tough to deal with. I really don’t know if I’ll never be like “oh, yeah, my brother passed away, and I won’t get to see him again, but that was a while ago, while it’s sad I’m fine.” I just don’t really see that in the future

I don’t know. Every year I post something like this, or every October 15th, it’s just me babbling trying to spit out what I’m getting at and failing. But I keep doing them. Hoping it’ll make things easier. Blah, it’s 3:00, I should get some sleep. Happy Birthday Bobby. I miss you buddy.

I really have a quote in my head, I don’t feel like going into it’s significance, but I do feel like posting it, not sure why. Well, I do know why, but I don’t feel like going into it. But don’t worry, it’s not some call for help or anything.

First and foremost, I feel it imperative for everyone to read The Rules of the Gym to cut back on most of the typical stupid bullshit.

Now I don’t really want to call certain people out…but…oh hell, who am I kidding, your full name would be here if I knew it, and your phone number so people can call you and tell you to stop being a fucking jerkoff. In no particular order…

Fortunately, I’m perfect, so I feel fine judging all these people, well that, and the fact that no one reads this.

- Everyone: Now when you got up you knew you were going to the gym right? Or maybe it was a spur of the minute decision but you definitely knew as you drove your car over to the gym, or your bike, or walked. Either way, as you turned onto the road and into the parking lot, you were aware you were going to be going into the gym to workout, right? Now a part of working out is scanning your card so the gym knows you’re a member, seems like a normal thing and you’ve done it every day for 3 years, so you know what to expect. Then please explain to me why the fuck you can’t have your goddamn card out you stupid piece of shit? Why can you not anticipate the fact that they’re going to ask for your card to scan? Is it a surprise to you every day? Do you come in expecting to walk in and not have to scan your card because you’re super important at some shit company you hate working for? No, you know to expect it, so be fucking ready. You are obligated to have your card out prior to reaching the door, i know what you’re saying “I have to get it out of my gym bag, so I gotta put it down, and I like putting it on the counter so I can easily go through it.” Ok, terrific, I wonder if just maybe you could go through your bag while it’s on your cars seat? I know, I know, it’s asking a lot, but just do it, or as I get more angry from working out more, I will be more inclined to punch you in the mouth.

- The Douchebag With The Shitty Gray Slicked Back Hair and the Thin Gray Mustache That Makes You Look Like A Pedophile: We’re going to pick on you personally first, as just the other day you were in front of me in line holding me up for this very issue. You sir, are a dick. As if your looks didn’t let us know, as if your wanton disregard of courtesy by having your card ready aren’t enough, you have to walk out in a baby blue sweat suit? Seriously? We’re talking about baby blue sweatsuit. The old school type, we’re talking elastics around the wrists, ankles, waist, ya know, the kind your parents made you wear until you could realize what you saw in the mirror and stopped wearing matching sweat suits (except velour you throwback motherfucker). Good choice. And while I’m at it, stop sitting right fucking next to someone you don’t know on the goddamn exercise bike when there are 10 to each side of him.

- Goddamn Korean Woman Who Walks Around Like She’s Doing The Fucking Sprinkler Dance: Seriously…ENOUGH. I can’t take you walking around the gym like that, or being on the elliptical like that, I simply can’t take seeing that shit out of the corner of my eye, it makes me want to scream. You walk around like a fucking jackass, in case you don’t realize what you’re doing, let me paint a picture….picture the sprinkler dance, but with the arm at an 85 degree angle from the body. And you bounce the arm like the sprinkler dance move as well. I simply cannot finish doing my set, or finish up on the elliptical with you doing that shit, distracting me and making me want to break your arms, so um…go ahead and stop.

- The Asshat With The Headband and Wristbands: Dude, take it easy, you don’t have to clang the weights and walk around with your chest puffed out to let us know you’re an asshole, we all got it the second you walked out of the locker room looking like you’re set to film a 1980’s aerobics video, and you don’t even have the courtesy to wear neon colors.

- The Big Fucking Twat Who Can’t Park His Big Fucking Piece of Shit Buick Lucerne: You big tall twat, it’s a $30,000 fucking car. It’s not a Maybach. You do not need to park it like a fucking jerkoff across 3 spaces, because you’re worried about someone hitting it or scratching it, because believe me, that’s going to get your car hit or keyed much quicker than parking normal. I’m sure you’re just used to parking like a big pompous sack of shit when driving around in your Phantom and it just passed over to this little hunk of shit Buick right? That’s got to be it. You sir, park like a fucking idiot. I hate you. Worried about someone parking next to your car? Park around the back, or maybe go buy a big Buick branded bubble you can put around it. You need a slap in the moth.

- All You Old Exhibitionistic Shitheads: I’ve been in locker rooms since freshman year football, I’ve showered naked in the same locker room with other teammates just like every other hetero male that’s played sports, and really, who gives a shit, no one’s looking at your bits and pieces. But you fuckers are taking it too far. Wear a goddamn towel, once you leave the shower room, it’s time to wrap a towel around yourself. If I accidentally walk by the shower room and you’re drying off, no harm, no foul, my fault. But once you cross out of that room, you’re just a fucking prick. No one needs to see your shitty old wrinkly body, wear a goddamn towel. This is a gym, not Hedonism II. This walking around the gym naked shit has got to stop. You wear a towel like a fucking civilized human, you stand up with the towel wrapped around your waist, you bend over (towel still on) pull on your underwear under the towel (towel still on) get them adjusted then BAM take the towel off. This is not your fucking bathroom at home. Walk around naked all day, whatever, but keep that shit there.

- The Indian-ish Guy Who Wears a Fanny Pack: Really? A fanny pack? You don’t have any kids that can maybe give you a clue? If not, let me help…you don’t wear a fucking fanny pack. You wear shorts, you wear shorts with pockets.

- The Big Balding (I’m Running Out of Derogatory Terms Somehow) Who Walks Around With a 430423oz Big Gulp Soda Cup: First off, let’s assume that ungodly big Big Gulp cup from 7-11 has water in, because if you’re coming into the gym, and working out and drinking soda to replenish yourself, you enjoy them kidney stones and diabetes. Secondly, go buy a fucking water bottle. A nalgene bottle can be bought for like $10-$20 and you look like much less of an asshole, though unfortunately it won’t help your rather unfortunate hairline.

- The 60 Year Old Walking Billboard For Why To Hire A Good Plastic Surgeon: Seriously, next time, save up for the better plastic surgeon. I mean, basing the fact that you didn’t die from the surgery as a factor, I guess he’s better than that one that killed Kanye’s poor mother, but he didn’t do you any favors. I could see you wanting to look younger, but it’s frightening. It’s not natural at all. Some not natural plastic surgery can be accepted, fake tit-tays for instance, but whatever the issue is, botox, or too many facelifts, or whatever, it’s magical, you look great, you almost look a little like a more fucked up 90 year old run down Victoria Beckham…sexxxxxxxy.

- The Cocksucker That Always Wears A Tanktop, Weight Belt and Shorts: My second biggest annoyance in the gym…second only to the fuckface who can’t park his car properly, but worse because I have to see it the whole workout, not just when I pull into the parking lot. STOP FUCKING TALKING! WORK OUT! It’s a fucking gym, not a social club you piece of talkative shit. Stop it…just…don’t. Polite conversation is fine, maybe getting into a relatively involved 30 minute conversation over the course of the whole workout, fine, it happens, but not every single day, not literally an hour (the entire time I’m lifting weights, you’re talking to someone or another person and I’ve seen you do literally 2 lifts. Not two exercises, 2 sets. You’re not talking about anything important, this isn’t the fucking water cooler, do your fucking workout, get off the equipment and go sit on your thumb, go work at the office, sit around the water cooler and talk. And so help me, if it gets back to me that you brag about how you’re “always working out, at the gym 2 hours a day, you’re really into it” I will hunt you down and break a leg. You do 2 exercises in that time. You sir…are a jackass.

To the rest of you, don’t think I forgot you, I know there are a few other offenders in here, I’m looking at you Stepford Wife that wears fur coats and earings to the gym then walks around with the worlds biggest walkman (yeah…a walkman) with the antenna pulled out to listen to radio, and the woman who runs the daycare that comes in with a hat that’s much too small for your head and just rests on top of it styled in cheetah print. But you guys aren’t bad, you seem nice and are far from the biggest offenders, but I felt the need to get us all together to point this out so we can help each other make better choices. Make this gym a better place for us all, and make yourself a better person. Now that this stuff has been brought to your attention, go out there, workout and enjoy your life where you’re less of a piece of shit, and might just become a decent person.

Just don’t go writing snarky blog posts bad mouthing others when you’re clearly not perfect. Everyone hates that.

36 Months.

156 Weeks.

1,092 Days.

26,208 Hours.

1,572,480 Minutes.

94,348,800 Seconds.

188,697,600 Tears.

And still some days it can feel like mere moments ago.

I miss you Bobby.

Rest In Peace.

I used to love New Years, a good reason to stay up, everyone makes a big deal…now I hate it. I’m kinda nervous that it’s not going to get easier for me. Everyone says the first year is tough, but after the 2nd year it gets easier. Yeah, that’s not quite working out for me. I’m able to not have missing Bobby on my mind every single day, I still think about him, but it’s easier, I still cry, but it’s easier to not focus on how he’s really gone all the time, but as soon as I think about it, it’s like it was yesterday. Christmas was hard, and tonight was brutal, I was able to fight it and think of it as “New Years Eve” for most of the night, but just like last year, and the year before that, as the countdown starts I lose it, it’s not New Years Eve, it’s Bobby’s birthday, and I can’t call him to wish him a happy birthday like I did for many years before. Now I get to go to the cemetery and let me tell you, that’s not the same fucking thing, doesn’t make anything even remotely easier.

I hate this, and I’m just babbling now, but I really miss Bobby, and as for every other year, hell, day, I pray that he’s happy up there, and able to look over us.

Blah, this post sucks, but I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to write besides “I miss you Bobby” so f it. I’m done.

When I first got my mac, I heard a lot about quicksilver from everyone so at some point I decided to check out their website http://quicksilver.blacktree.com for reference, and saw this imposing little description…

A unified, extensible interface for working with
applications, contacts, music, and other data.

Does that make sense to you? Cause hell…even now that I use the program I can’t tell you what that means. What I do know is now that I use the program, I don’t know how I’ll be able to use a PC or a different computer without this app. It’s free…it’s powerful…it’s simple…it’s a beautiful thing.

Now let’s get to what it can actually do.

The program is always running in the background, and you bring it up with a little 2 block display with a simple key shortcut. I use cmd+space. It brings up a simple display, that you can download other themes to change the view, but this one is my favorite.

The easiest, most basic use for it is a launcher. I type “fir” and it auto completes to “Firefox” and shows the firefox icon. If it doesn’t auto complete to that, it will list stuff that start with that, and i can choose down to choose the one i wanted. One of the coolest things is that quicksilver learns from you. So at first, it might not have automatically brought up Firefox, but now that I’ve done it often, and haven’t done many other apps that start with “fir” as soon as I hit ‘f’ or ‘fi’ it autocompletes to Firefox. So the programs you use more often will come up quicker. It’s beautiful.

If I’m feeling lazy, and either don’t have my browser open, or don’t feel like opening it, waiting for my home page to load, then typing in the page i want to go to and hit enter, I can simply start typing a url. If it’s either a favorite in your browser, or a page you go to often, you can type just part of the url or the title, for example i’ve been going to http://www.macheist.com a lot, and it automatically chooses it if i just type “Mach” it auto completes to macheist. Or you can enter a full url in for any website, and apparently, if you don’t put the .com it auto adds it. Then you hit enter, and it opens that link in your web browser. Very nice.

Another time saver is in searching websites. If i have something to look up, normally I have to go through the same thing, open the browser, or bring it to the front, wait for the home page to load, go to the site, search, enter, blah blah, with a different plugin I can simply search the same way I brought up a website. To search wikipedia I type “wikip” it auto completes, I hit tab, it’s got “search” selected, and I hit tab to go to the third box and type what I’m searching for. A real time saver I’ve used quite a few times.

You can also control your itunes through it, which is good if you know specifically a song you’re looking for. I was really in the mood to hear a certain song yesterday, so I brought up itunes, searched by artist, hit right, it gave me a list of the cds, hit right and it gave me a list of the songs, and clicking enter played the song. Convenient in that situation where I don’t feel like bringing up itunes and scrolling down or searching for one specific song.

Another pretty neat plugin is radial menus. I type an application that has a lot of options, like itunes and tab over and hit “rad” and it completes to radial menus brining up this display, making it a little more visual to choose what I’m looking to do. I don’t really use this much as I just don’t know what programs are good with it, because clicking the option doesn’t help me…so basically i use it because it’s good eye candy.

Quicksilver also lets you choose files, and bring up Quicksilver to do something with that program, instead of typing in the name and searching for it. You can set up another shortcut, i use opt+space and it loads the file in the first window. In this example I took the qs7 image file and it brings it into the first box, and if it’s a file that has a view it gives you a preview of the file. From there you can choose to open the file, move, copy, delete, anything you want. One of the great ones is the option to mess with images. With an image selected, I can scale it (which I do often), save it as a different file format. For example, for this blog, I took the pictures, which are by default saved as .png files. I selected all those files, typed opt+space to load them into quicksilver (it does all this immediately) then i chose “scale” then hit tab and entered “80%” or whatever size you want, based on percentages, or actual pixel width and height. Another great option I’m working on figuring out is emailing the file. I can bring the file up, choose email” and i get an option to open the email to compose, or to have quicksilver send it automatically. It’s great.

Blah, well there ya go, I just felt like telling someone some of the awesome aspects of this program, and just typed them here for no one to read instead. The great thing about the program is I haven’t even scratched the surface. the program lets me use a longer clipboard (instead of copying something, and pasting, I can copy up to however many I want, it saves them in its own clipboard, then I can go wherever I want to paste parts and choose which saved piece to paste where. if that makes sense. And another powerful option is to set up triggers. Anything you can do with quicksilver you can set up a quick key shortcut to do automatically. For example, I have a folder of Madison photos, say I want a quick way to do a slideshow of them, to show someone, I’d set up a new trigger top choose that folder, then play the slideshow. Then I could set up a key combination I’d remember, like opt+cmd+m and whenever i do that shortcut it automatically launches the madison pictures slideshow. Awesome and very powerful.

god I love this program.

[ Image taken from postsecret.com ]

So, here I sit at 2:26am on a Sunday morning, fighting another losing battle against insomnia. Everytime I lie down my mind starts racing, and I normally don’t get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, and it’s not helping. I’ve had some HUGE changes in my life, and they’re not turning out for the best. For a while, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to end up owning the boat company. Sure, I’d said that I’d triple business, and that I’d want to open up some other types of businesses that I don’t have to be very hands on with, just to do something on my own. Though even as I said the words, in the back of my mind I knew it was just words. I knew that I’d eventually take over the company, ride my daddy’s coat tails through life, much as I’ve done to get to where I am today. The best I knew I could hope for was to match what he was doing. So here, after the store had closed, I’d thought “this is a great thing for me, I wish that it didn’t happen this way, and he was able to sell out of the company, but this gives me a chance to do something with my life, to prove myself, to prove I have what it takes. And ya know what? No matter how many people I hear tell me what “a great opportunity this is for me”, “I wasn’t getting paid as much as I should have at the company anyway”, “I’ve got a head for business”, “and with my knowledge in computers, any company would be lucky to have me.” yeah, well no matter how many times I hear it, or repeated the same phrases to myself and others, I still can’t bring myself to believe them.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s a great opportunity to do something with my life, and I feel more like I’m at an impasse. It’s going on a month this upcoming week that I’ve been out of work collecting unemployment and I haven’t so much as applied to a job. Hell, let’s go further, it’s been a month and I haven’t so much as found a single job I think I could get and would like to do. I’ve done a lot of thinking since this all went down (ok…a week after it went down, it was mainly just a lot of video games that first week) and I haven’t gotten any answers, just a lot more questions. I don’t have a dream, I don’t have any goals, I clearly don’t have any self confidence, and I’m scared. I don’t admit that much, but there, it’s out there, I said it. I don’t know who the hell Jeremy is. I’m not doing anything I love, I don’t have any dreams or aspirations, or ambitions, I’m simply existing and doing a shitty job at it. I have no goals, no dreams, and I’m 25, I should have plenty and be on my way to achieving them. I have nothing. I can’t think of a single thing I’d like to do for work, that I could do. I don’t have any sort of goals on what I’d like to be, I don’t have any sort of goals on how I’d like to achieve getting money. Fuck, I don’t have any sort of goals on what I want to do with my life at all. The only thing I have going for me, that I do at all during the week is spending my Sundays with Madison. But other than that, I do nothing, all week.

I don’t have any friends left, I don’t meet new friends, the only friend I have at all is my girlfriend, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell you why she’s stupid enough to stick with me. I can’t even manage to treat her with the respect and dignity she needs and deserves, the only reason I still have her is she understands my sense of humor, and for some reason loves me enough to put up with me. I don’t like myself, I’m a bitter, caustic disgruntled man. Every day I walk around, and find myself saying “I hate this person for this…” or “i hate when people do that…” and screaming at the top of my lungs at some person driving their car a little slower than I’d like. 90% of the things that come out of my mouth are negative. The majority of my sense of humor come at others expense, for the people that understand it’s just my sense of humor, it’s usually fine, they can take the joke, but the ones that don’t, or the ones I hurt, well, I’m sorry, and I don’t like that I’m like that. Physically, I can’t stand myself, and that’s something I can easily fix, as opposed to changing myself in other ways, and I can’t even do that. I’ll have great weeks going to the gym, but in the end, I just end up stopping again.

God, it’s already 3:00am so that will help explain a little bit of why I’m babbling and most likely incoherent. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like an absolute failure, and it’s wearing on me. I’m hoping getting this off my chest helps me somehow, helps me to get something going. I have so many people I can confide in and want me to talk to them about my problems, but I just can’t, kinda pathetic that instead I post something like this to a website that anyone can see. Yeah, no one does, because no one checks out this site, or even the blog anymore since I never update it anymore (did anyone even read when I did update it?! no.) but yeah, that’s where I chose to reveal my fears and feelings. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got my bike up for sale, soon in the paper and bargain news, if I can sell the bike quick, I think I’m gonna have to take 2-4 weeks, and travel, and hopefully find myself. But that won’t work out, I’m sure the bike won’t sell quick, because honestly, things just don’t work out for me. So anyone who stumbles upon this site and reads it that wants to a) Purchase the bike for $17995 to have an awesome bike and get me out of this spot b) Finance my lovely trip to find Jeremy or c) Offer me a plush $50+k a year job Feel free to contact me. now, I’m gonna go try to get to sleep, and I’m gonna hold my breath on one of these options coming through, that should help with the “getting to sleep” part anyway.

Dear Bobby, Another Christmas without you.

It’s been tough. For most of the day I’ve been able to keep it out of my mind, but visiting your grave site tonight really brought me back. I wish you were here today…and every day to see how awesome your beautiful daughter has turned out. And I’m not going to lie, I got a lot of great gifts today, but I didn’t get the one thing I’d be willing to trade them all for; a single $20 bill from you…like we’ve always done. Of course I had a $20 in my wallet that you would have gotten in return, in our typical fashion.

Madison was awesome this entire day, she had an idea what was going on, helped unwrap gifts and was simply precious. I got her a talking Elmo doll that uploads her name, birthday, favorite colors, all of that stuff into it, and uses that when talking, I got her some clothes, and an entertaining dinosaur toy that I really can’t describe. She got a ridiculous amount of stuff…really as everyone did. I missed you at breakfast this morning, I just know you could have been there, and gotten along with everyone, but of course we had to waste the way too short amount of years together with you fighting with someone, I just know it’d be different this time, and we’ll never get it. I just know you’d have been there with all of us at Mom and Dad’s, we know things wouldn’t have been perfect, but I’m positive in my heart things would have been different, and we all would have gotten along like the old days. It pains me to say “The Old Days” when really it just means “a few years before we lost you” but there’s gotta be a reason. Over a year and 2 months later and I still can’t really face that you’re gone, and that’ll just be further emphasized come New Years when you’d be turning 24 with us, and you’ll only be turning 23 in spirit with us. I don’t think New Years will ever be the same ever again, without ever getting a call or to call you right after 12 and wish you a Happy Birthday.

But I still have another week before that heartache. I miss you Bobby. I don’t know what happens after death, but I pray you can watch over us all, and see how much we miss you. And I hope you’re spending Christmas with some folks that make you happy.

Merry Christmas Bobby. Rest In Peace my friend. I love you. Love, Jeremy

Well, It’s late, I’m tired, but I feel the need to write a little something.

365 days and roughly 12 hours ago I received the worst call I’ve ever had to answer in my entire life. For those who don’t know the story, my parents were in Florida, and I was in Florida for a cruise through work. My brother was watching my condo for me, and him and Erica were going to take care of the stupid cat and fish. I landed in Ft. Lauderdale, where I got off the plane, and waited for a little while to get on a bus to take us to Miami to leave the port. I turn my phone on to call my friend Mike to let him know when to pick us up. Not sure why I felt the need to turn the phone on to do that, as normally I probably would have left it off until on the plane or until I had to call someone. I get a voicemail from my father “Jeremy, it’s Dad, give me a call as soon as you get this I have to talk to you.” nothing too upset or worried about, he didn’t say it was important so I didn’t feel the need to call him back, besides we were just about to go on our way to get on the bus. I wait in line and finally get our luggage on the bus and sit in our seats and wait to take off when my phone rings. It was my buddy Pete… “Jer, have you talked ot your father?” “no, why? what’s up?” I ask. and with a hesitation I hear “…just call him.” I was nervous it would be bad, but never expected anything like what the call was going to be. I’m on the bus, surrounded by people, call my father, ask what’s up and get a simple tear filled response.. “…Bobby’s dead.” for the rest of my life those words and the way he said them will forever stick with me. Of course I did the standard “are you serious?” knowing full well this isn’t the kind of thing you joke about. I was in shock, then the tears started, I told Aimee who was sitting next to me, and say “let’s go, we have to get off the bus” and rush off the bus.

Luckily Aimee was there and while she was upset, she was no where near as destraught as me, and was able to handle everything because I knew damn well I’d have no chance of it. I have never been hit with anything near that much grief in my entire life. I’ve had people I loved and really cared for pass away, and I’m usually able to keep my composure enough to not cry and all that in front of the family, I had no choice. I broke down and screamed and cried in front of 50 complete strangers, then however many people there were in the airport that I could not see through my tear filled eyes. We worked it out to get a plane ticket back and remember Aimee and the airline person talking, and Aimee relaying “they’re going to get tickets, obviously you won’t have to pay for the change” and I remember saying “I don’t give a fuck what it costs, get me home.” The earliest plane flight back was 6 or 7 hours later. 6 or 7 of the longest most miserable hours of my entire life. I did everything I could to get home faster, but there was nothing.

So amidst nonstop crying, thoughts of despair, and yes, thoughts of suicide, my head was pounding and I was starving. It’s an airport…there’s only shitty food, so all I was able to eat was grease, and between the crying, and hunger, and grease, I had the worst headache I’ve ever had. I wanted to die. Well, to end that story, obviously I got home and was able to be with my family, which while it offered consolation, didn’t bring my brother back. I cried and screamed…didn’t bring my brother back. I begged god…didn’t bring my brother back. I cursed god, Bobby’s boss…didn’t bring my brother back. Since the moment I heard what happened, I’ve had the constant tthought of “why my brother? why not me? If I could give up my life to bring him back, it’d be done. Madison needs a father, not an uncle, I’ve lived a good life, I’ve had everything I could want, I’ve enjoyed my money, my time, it was my time to go. My brother never got to experience that really. To this day, I’d gladly spend the rest of my life burning in hell to bring him back. But that’s not how it works. So there I was, for many many months…so many in fact, it still hasn’t ended.

People seem to keep asking “how long does it feel like?” my answer … “it depends.” If I can block it out of my mind and not think about it, it feels like a year or two, but when I can’t, and I just think about it, it feels like it happened yesterday. I have gotten absolutely no closure on the fact that my brother is gone, and I really don’t see any in sight.

I really am babbling and don’t know where I’m going with this. I still miss my brother, I’d give up the world to have him back for his family, and I’ll never get that chance . I’ve gotten my brother out of plenty of trouble, getting his ass beat, going to jail, loaning him money, etc etc, and in this I failed. I realize there is nothing I could do, and I don’t blame myself, but it’s the brothers job to watch out for the younger brother, I’ve tried, but this one was out of my hands and that infuriates me. Basically, I’m exactly where I was a year ago, I just find it easier to not think about it 24/7, but when I do I’m right back where I was.

I miss my brother. If he had this year, I feel he would have straightened his ass out even more, and he could have well been on his way to being the man I always knew he’d be when he grew up. Goddamnit, I’m babbling, and have no idea where to go here. I miss you Bobby, and sadly I don’t believe in the afterlife, but I pray I’m wrong to get to see you and hang out with you some day.

(also, I hope they have the internet up there, otherwise you can’t read that anyway

RIP Robert Stephen Halvorsen

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came
and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne, He said,

“This is eternity,
And all I’ve promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart. – David Romano ]]> http://blog.jeremyhalvorsen.com/2005/10/when-tomorrow-starts-without-me/feed/ 0