Fellow Gym Members…We Have To Talk

Hey there, have a good workout? Great. Now come on in, gather around, we have a few things to talk about. It’s great you’re a member at the same gym as I am, but…you’re doing it wrong.

First and foremost, I feel it imperative for everyone to read The Rules of the Gym to cut back on most of the typical stupid bullshit.

Now I don’t really want to call certain people out…but…oh hell, who am I kidding, your full name would be here if I knew it, and your phone number so people can call you and tell you to stop being a fucking jerkoff. In no particular order…

Fortunately, I’m perfect, so I feel fine judging all these people, well that, and the fact that no one reads this.

- Everyone: Now when you got up you knew you were going to the gym right? Or maybe it was a spur of the minute decision but you definitely knew as you drove your car over to the gym, or your bike, or walked. Either way, as you turned onto the road and into the parking lot, you were aware you were going to be going into the gym to workout, right? Now a part of working out is scanning your card so the gym knows you’re a member, seems like a normal thing and you’ve done it every day for 3 years, so you know what to expect. Then please explain to me why the fuck you can’t have your goddamn card out you stupid piece of shit? Why can you not anticipate the fact that they’re going to ask for your card to scan? Is it a surprise to you every day? Do you come in expecting to walk in and not have to scan your card because you’re super important at some shit company you hate working for? No, you know to expect it, so be fucking ready. You are obligated to have your card out prior to reaching the door, i know what you’re saying “I have to get it out of my gym bag, so I gotta put it down, and I like putting it on the counter so I can easily go through it.” Ok, terrific, I wonder if just maybe you could go through your bag while it’s on your cars seat? I know, I know, it’s asking a lot, but just do it, or as I get more angry from working out more, I will be more inclined to punch you in the mouth.

- The Douchebag With The Shitty Gray Slicked Back Hair and the Thin Gray Mustache That Makes You Look Like A Pedophile: We’re going to pick on you personally first, as just the other day you were in front of me in line holding me up for this very issue. You sir, are a dick. As if your looks didn’t let us know, as if your wanton disregard of courtesy by having your card ready aren’t enough, you have to walk out in a baby blue sweat suit? Seriously? We’re talking about baby blue sweatsuit. The old school type, we’re talking elastics around the wrists, ankles, waist, ya know, the kind your parents made you wear until you could realize what you saw in the mirror and stopped wearing matching sweat suits (except velour you throwback motherfucker). Good choice. And while I’m at it, stop sitting right fucking next to someone you don’t know on the goddamn exercise bike when there are 10 to each side of him.

- Goddamn Korean Woman Who Walks Around Like She’s Doing The Fucking Sprinkler Dance: Seriously…ENOUGH. I can’t take you walking around the gym like that, or being on the elliptical like that, I simply can’t take seeing that shit out of the corner of my eye, it makes me want to scream. You walk around like a fucking jackass, in case you don’t realize what you’re doing, let me paint a picture….picture the sprinkler dance, but with the arm at an 85 degree angle from the body. And you bounce the arm like the sprinkler dance move as well. I simply cannot finish doing my set, or finish up on the elliptical with you doing that shit, distracting me and making me want to break your arms, so um…go ahead and stop.

- The Asshat With The Headband and Wristbands: Dude, take it easy, you don’t have to clang the weights and walk around with your chest puffed out to let us know you’re an asshole, we all got it the second you walked out of the locker room looking like you’re set to film a 1980’s aerobics video, and you don’t even have the courtesy to wear neon colors.

- The Big Fucking Twat Who Can’t Park His Big Fucking Piece of Shit Buick Lucerne: You big tall twat, it’s a $30,000 fucking car. It’s not a Maybach. You do not need to park it like a fucking jerkoff across 3 spaces, because you’re worried about someone hitting it or scratching it, because believe me, that’s going to get your car hit or keyed much quicker than parking normal. I’m sure you’re just used to parking like a big pompous sack of shit when driving around in your Phantom and it just passed over to this little hunk of shit Buick right? That’s got to be it. You sir, park like a fucking idiot. I hate you. Worried about someone parking next to your car? Park around the back, or maybe go buy a big Buick branded bubble you can put around it. You need a slap in the moth.

- All You Old Exhibitionistic Shitheads: I’ve been in locker rooms since freshman year football, I’ve showered naked in the same locker room with other teammates just like every other hetero male that’s played sports, and really, who gives a shit, no one’s looking at your bits and pieces. But you fuckers are taking it too far. Wear a goddamn towel, once you leave the shower room, it’s time to wrap a towel around yourself. If I accidentally walk by the shower room and you’re drying off, no harm, no foul, my fault. But once you cross out of that room, you’re just a fucking prick. No one needs to see your shitty old wrinkly body, wear a goddamn towel. This is a gym, not Hedonism II. This walking around the gym naked shit has got to stop. You wear a towel like a fucking civilized human, you stand up with the towel wrapped around your waist, you bend over (towel still on) pull on your underwear under the towel (towel still on) get them adjusted then BAM take the towel off. This is not your fucking bathroom at home. Walk around naked all day, whatever, but keep that shit there.

- The Indian-ish Guy Who Wears a Fanny Pack: Really? A fanny pack? You don’t have any kids that can maybe give you a clue? If not, let me help…you don’t wear a fucking fanny pack. You wear shorts, you wear shorts with pockets.

- The Big Balding (I’m Running Out of Derogatory Terms Somehow) Who Walks Around With a 430423oz Big Gulp Soda Cup: First off, let’s assume that ungodly big Big Gulp cup from 7-11 has water in, because if you’re coming into the gym, and working out and drinking soda to replenish yourself, you enjoy them kidney stones and diabetes. Secondly, go buy a fucking water bottle. A nalgene bottle can be bought for like $10-$20 and you look like much less of an asshole, though unfortunately it won’t help your rather unfortunate hairline.

- The 60 Year Old Walking Billboard For Why To Hire A Good Plastic Surgeon: Seriously, next time, save up for the better plastic surgeon. I mean, basing the fact that you didn’t die from the surgery as a factor, I guess he’s better than that one that killed Kanye’s poor mother, but he didn’t do you any favors. I could see you wanting to look younger, but it’s frightening. It’s not natural at all. Some not natural plastic surgery can be accepted, fake tit-tays for instance, but whatever the issue is, botox, or too many facelifts, or whatever, it’s magical, you look great, you almost look a little like a more fucked up 90 year old run down Victoria Beckham…sexxxxxxxy.

- The Cocksucker That Always Wears A Tanktop, Weight Belt and Shorts: My second biggest annoyance in the gym…second only to the fuckface who can’t park his car properly, but worse because I have to see it the whole workout, not just when I pull into the parking lot. STOP FUCKING TALKING! WORK OUT! It’s a fucking gym, not a social club you piece of talkative shit. Stop it…just…don’t. Polite conversation is fine, maybe getting into a relatively involved 30 minute conversation over the course of the whole workout, fine, it happens, but not every single day, not literally an hour (the entire time I’m lifting weights, you’re talking to someone or another person and I’ve seen you do literally 2 lifts. Not two exercises, 2 sets. You’re not talking about anything important, this isn’t the fucking water cooler, do your fucking workout, get off the equipment and go sit on your thumb, go work at the office, sit around the water cooler and talk. And so help me, if it gets back to me that you brag about how you’re “always working out, at the gym 2 hours a day, you’re really into it” I will hunt you down and break a leg. You do 2 exercises in that time. You sir…are a jackass.

To the rest of you, don’t think I forgot you, I know there are a few other offenders in here, I’m looking at you Stepford Wife that wears fur coats and earings to the gym then walks around with the worlds biggest walkman (yeah…a walkman) with the antenna pulled out to listen to radio, and the woman who runs the daycare that comes in with a hat that’s much too small for your head and just rests on top of it styled in cheetah print. But you guys aren’t bad, you seem nice and are far from the biggest offenders, but I felt the need to get us all together to point this out so we can help each other make better choices. Make this gym a better place for us all, and make yourself a better person. Now that this stuff has been brought to your attention, go out there, workout and enjoy your life where you’re less of a piece of shit, and might just become a decent person.

Just don’t go writing snarky blog posts bad mouthing others when you’re clearly not perfect. Everyone hates that.