25: Fat, Balding, and going nowhere

[ Image taken from postsecret.com ]

So, here I sit at 2:26am on a Sunday morning, fighting another losing battle against insomnia. Everytime I lie down my mind starts racing, and I normally don’t get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, and it’s not helping. I’ve had some HUGE changes in my life, and they’re not turning out for the best. For a while, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to end up owning the boat company. Sure, I’d said that I’d triple business, and that I’d want to open up some other types of businesses that I don’t have to be very hands on with, just to do something on my own. Though even as I said the words, in the back of my mind I knew it was just words. I knew that I’d eventually take over the company, ride my daddy’s coat tails through life, much as I’ve done to get to where I am today. The best I knew I could hope for was to match what he was doing. So here, after the store had closed, I’d thought “this is a great thing for me, I wish that it didn’t happen this way, and he was able to sell out of the company, but this gives me a chance to do something with my life, to prove myself, to prove I have what it takes. And ya know what? No matter how many people I hear tell me what “a great opportunity this is for me”, “I wasn’t getting paid as much as I should have at the company anyway”, “I’ve got a head for business”, “and with my knowledge in computers, any company would be lucky to have me.” yeah, well no matter how many times I hear it, or repeated the same phrases to myself and others, I still can’t bring myself to believe them.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s a great opportunity to do something with my life, and I feel more like I’m at an impasse. It’s going on a month this upcoming week that I’ve been out of work collecting unemployment and I haven’t so much as applied to a job. Hell, let’s go further, it’s been a month and I haven’t so much as found a single job I think I could get and would like to do. I’ve done a lot of thinking since this all went down (ok…a week after it went down, it was mainly just a lot of video games that first week) and I haven’t gotten any answers, just a lot more questions. I don’t have a dream, I don’t have any goals, I clearly don’t have any self confidence, and I’m scared. I don’t admit that much, but there, it’s out there, I said it. I don’t know who the hell Jeremy is. I’m not doing anything I love, I don’t have any dreams or aspirations, or ambitions, I’m simply existing and doing a shitty job at it. I have no goals, no dreams, and I’m 25, I should have plenty and be on my way to achieving them. I have nothing. I can’t think of a single thing I’d like to do for work, that I could do. I don’t have any sort of goals on what I’d like to be, I don’t have any sort of goals on how I’d like to achieve getting money. Fuck, I don’t have any sort of goals on what I want to do with my life at all. The only thing I have going for me, that I do at all during the week is spending my Sundays with Madison. But other than that, I do nothing, all week.

I don’t have any friends left, I don’t meet new friends, the only friend I have at all is my girlfriend, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell you why she’s stupid enough to stick with me. I can’t even manage to treat her with the respect and dignity she needs and deserves, the only reason I still have her is she understands my sense of humor, and for some reason loves me enough to put up with me. I don’t like myself, I’m a bitter, caustic disgruntled man. Every day I walk around, and find myself saying “I hate this person for this…” or “i hate when people do that…” and screaming at the top of my lungs at some person driving their car a little slower than I’d like. 90% of the things that come out of my mouth are negative. The majority of my sense of humor come at others expense, for the people that understand it’s just my sense of humor, it’s usually fine, they can take the joke, but the ones that don’t, or the ones I hurt, well, I’m sorry, and I don’t like that I’m like that. Physically, I can’t stand myself, and that’s something I can easily fix, as opposed to changing myself in other ways, and I can’t even do that. I’ll have great weeks going to the gym, but in the end, I just end up stopping again.

God, it’s already 3:00am so that will help explain a little bit of why I’m babbling and most likely incoherent. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like an absolute failure, and it’s wearing on me. I’m hoping getting this off my chest helps me somehow, helps me to get something going. I have so many people I can confide in and want me to talk to them about my problems, but I just can’t, kinda pathetic that instead I post something like this to a website that anyone can see. Yeah, no one does, because no one checks out this site, or even the blog anymore since I never update it anymore (did anyone even read when I did update it?! no.) but yeah, that’s where I chose to reveal my fears and feelings. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got my bike up for sale, soon in the paper and bargain news, if I can sell the bike quick, I think I’m gonna have to take 2-4 weeks, and travel, and hopefully find myself. But that won’t work out, I’m sure the bike won’t sell quick, because honestly, things just don’t work out for me. So anyone who stumbles upon this site and reads it that wants to a) Purchase the bike for $17995 to have an awesome bike and get me out of this spot b) Finance my lovely trip to find Jeremy or c) Offer me a plush $50+k a year job Feel free to contact me. now, I’m gonna go try to get to sleep, and I’m gonna hold my breath on one of these options coming through, that should help with the “getting to sleep” part anyway.