A year later
Well, It’s late, I’m tired, but I feel the need to write a little something.
365 days and roughly 12 hours ago I received the worst call I’ve ever had to answer in my entire life. For those who don’t know the story, my parents were in Florida, and I was in Florida for a cruise through work. My brother was watching my condo for me, and him and Erica were going to take care of the stupid cat and fish. I landed in Ft. Lauderdale, where I got off the plane, and waited for a little while to get on a bus to take us to Miami to leave the port. I turn my phone on to call my friend Mike to let him know when to pick us up. Not sure why I felt the need to turn the phone on to do that, as normally I probably would have left it off until on the plane or until I had to call someone. I get a voicemail from my father “Jeremy, it’s Dad, give me a call as soon as you get this I have to talk to you.” nothing too upset or worried about, he didn’t say it was important so I didn’t feel the need to call him back, besides we were just about to go on our way to get on the bus. I wait in line and finally get our luggage on the bus and sit in our seats and wait to take off when my phone rings. It was my buddy Pete… “Jer, have you talked ot your father?” “no, why? what’s up?” I ask. and with a hesitation I hear “…just call him.” I was nervous it would be bad, but never expected anything like what the call was going to be. I’m on the bus, surrounded by people, call my father, ask what’s up and get a simple tear filled response.. “…Bobby’s dead.” for the rest of my life those words and the way he said them will forever stick with me. Of course I did the standard “are you serious?” knowing full well this isn’t the kind of thing you joke about. I was in shock, then the tears started, I told Aimee who was sitting next to me, and say “let’s go, we have to get off the bus” and rush off the bus.
Luckily Aimee was there and while she was upset, she was no where near as destraught as me, and was able to handle everything because I knew damn well I’d have no chance of it. I have never been hit with anything near that much grief in my entire life. I’ve had people I loved and really cared for pass away, and I’m usually able to keep my composure enough to not cry and all that in front of the family, I had no choice. I broke down and screamed and cried in front of 50 complete strangers, then however many people there were in the airport that I could not see through my tear filled eyes. We worked it out to get a plane ticket back and remember Aimee and the airline person talking, and Aimee relaying “they’re going to get tickets, obviously you won’t have to pay for the change” and I remember saying “I don’t give a fuck what it costs, get me home.” The earliest plane flight back was 6 or 7 hours later. 6 or 7 of the longest most miserable hours of my entire life. I did everything I could to get home faster, but there was nothing.
So amidst nonstop crying, thoughts of despair, and yes, thoughts of suicide, my head was pounding and I was starving. It’s an airport…there’s only shitty food, so all I was able to eat was grease, and between the crying, and hunger, and grease, I had the worst headache I’ve ever had. I wanted to die. Well, to end that story, obviously I got home and was able to be with my family, which while it offered consolation, didn’t bring my brother back. I cried and screamed…didn’t bring my brother back. I begged god…didn’t bring my brother back. I cursed god, Bobby’s boss…didn’t bring my brother back. Since the moment I heard what happened, I’ve had the constant tthought of “why my brother? why not me? If I could give up my life to bring him back, it’d be done. Madison needs a father, not an uncle, I’ve lived a good life, I’ve had everything I could want, I’ve enjoyed my money, my time, it was my time to go. My brother never got to experience that really. To this day, I’d gladly spend the rest of my life burning in hell to bring him back. But that’s not how it works. So there I was, for many many months…so many in fact, it still hasn’t ended.
People seem to keep asking “how long does it feel like?” my answer … “it depends.” If I can block it out of my mind and not think about it, it feels like a year or two, but when I can’t, and I just think about it, it feels like it happened yesterday. I have gotten absolutely no closure on the fact that my brother is gone, and I really don’t see any in sight.
I really am babbling and don’t know where I’m going with this. I still miss my brother, I’d give up the world to have him back for his family, and I’ll never get that chance . I’ve gotten my brother out of plenty of trouble, getting his ass beat, going to jail, loaning him money, etc etc, and in this I failed. I realize there is nothing I could do, and I don’t blame myself, but it’s the brothers job to watch out for the younger brother, I’ve tried, but this one was out of my hands and that infuriates me. Basically, I’m exactly where I was a year ago, I just find it easier to not think about it 24/7, but when I do I’m right back where I was.
I miss my brother. If he had this year, I feel he would have straightened his ass out even more, and he could have well been on his way to being the man I always knew he’d be when he grew up. Goddamnit, I’m babbling, and have no idea where to go here. I miss you Bobby, and sadly I don’t believe in the afterlife, but I pray I’m wrong to get to see you and hang out with you some day.
(also, I hope they have the internet up there, otherwise you can’t read that anyway 
RIP Robert Stephen Halvorsen
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