Life Your Head Up High And Blow Your Brains Out

Have you ever sat there and thought after a hard time? Sat there and though about how easy all of the suffering could be over. A single bullet in the right place, and you’ll never be hurt again.

Of course I’ve thought about how careful you have to be with the shot, or else you end up a drooling vegetable. A big dose of poison could end it, without the fear of having the barrel of a gun pointing at your brain. But with my luck I wouldn’t take enough and I’d just have seizures. I don’t think I could do the hanging thing, with my luck it wouldn’t snap my neck. Also, I think if I slit my wrists it would give me too much time to think about what’s happening, and trying to get help. But think about it. One gunshot and all of the heartache, the problems, all of the pain is gone. You won’t feel the shot, you just have to be a man and get over pulling the trigger.

It must be damn hard to pull that trigger no matter what, but think of all the good it will cause. You’ll never have to worry about that kid that’s bigger than you that beats you up. You’ll never have to worry about your dead end job where you don’t make enough. You’ll never have to worry about a cheating girlfriend, or any girlfriend that wants nothing to do with you. That’s it. No more anything. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, I just feel it’s complete and utter nothingness. You know when you wake up from a sleep and don’t remember your dreams? So it’s just 6 hours of nothingness? That’s what I feel happens. Nothing, you have no idea.

I’ve thought about doing it in the bathtub to try to minimize the mess, because I’d hate for someone to have to come in and clean me up off the carpet, or try to get the blood out of the curtains. In the tub with the water running, then when I’m gone, all someone has to do is redo the tiling in the shower, and throw out the shower curtain. I’d leave separate suicide notes to all of the people that mean something to me. I would try to explain to everyone how it isn’t anyone’s fault. I could never do that to someone, put your entire life and death on them, it would ruin someone forever. I would thank everyone for all they have done. I don’t know what I’d do with my stuff, and I don’t think I’d care. I’d just want a free for all take whatever means something to you.

I’m not depressed enough to do it, but I have to admit, the idea does really interest me sometimes. It’d just be so easy. But think of everyone you would hurt. I don’t think I could do that to anyone. Think of the loss of everyone else. Not a huge loss, but losing anyone sucks. Sure it’s just me, but I’m sure at least a couple of people wouldn’t be jumping for joy. Fucked up huh? Yeah, it’s a shame I’m too embarrassed to go to a shrink.