Girlie Drink Drunk

MOTHERFUCKER! I grumble to myself about how bad I’d like to beat the person who left their cart in the middle of the space. I could see no better retribution for them, than to slam the very cart they are too lazy to return, right into their head. I love the irony really, I mean if they just walked the cart and their fat lazy ass the extra 20 feet, they wouldn’t have the little lines from the cart marking all over their face. I would then tangle them up in the cart and push the cart into the little “corral” they are supposed to be in, effectively trapping them in the cart. Blocking them in, by another cart, they would slowly, painfully wither and die, dehydrated, malnutritioned and for everyone to see. And no one would help them, and you know why? No one would help them because “fuck that cocksucker, he’s a part of the reason we all get so many dents in our cars at the super market. Let him rot in hell (where I figure most people who do participate in these activities end up).”

After my short attention span gets over that I start making my way to the entrance of the friendly neighborhood stop and shop. While walking I do that clever little “trick” us fat people do to trick you all into thinking we aren’t as fat. While walking, I use my thumb and index finger, pinch the fabric in the middle of my shirt, and pull it away from my body, thus convincingly leading you to believe that if you can’t see the outline of my man titties, they are not there…And no one is the wiser.

I take the walk of the champion, straight up to that beer cooler in the back, and scan over all of the many many different beers that are available for my drinking pleasure. Ale’s, pale ale’s, lager’s, Budweiser, Bud Light, Natural Ice, Reddog, Coors and Rolling Rock. I glance around looking at all the people knowing they’re thinking just what I’m thinking “yeah, the cool kid’s enjoying some beer tonight, rock on brother.”

When the coast is clear I slowly shuffle over to left of the cooler. A little further. Past the wine coolers, and into the twisted rasberry wine coolers, hard apple ciders, and various forms of lemonade with a little alcohol in it. Then it hits me, the smirnoff ice I was looking for. Sure I’d rather have citrona, but since it’s no longer available I settled for the next best thing, Smirnoff Ice. Turning to see how many people are looking at me, I know what they’re all thinking “what a bitch. You look like a big fat party animal, I can’t imagine you drinking a girl’s drink.”

I turn while doing my best to deter the bottles from clinking together drawing attention as I make the slow walk of shame back to the register. The walk up, it’s a walk of fame, the walk back I go into stealth mode, sneaking around like a ninja hoping no one see’s me walking with this big box of wine coolers, for lack of a better term. I get up to the counter and know the girl is laughing inside at me. But ya know what? Fuck her. She rings it out, and doesn’t put it in a bag or anything, because I fear a bag isn’t big enough to hide this 12 pack. So I walk across the store, wine coolers in hand, with my head held low.

I get outside, and creep to my car, trying to blend in and draw as little attention as possible. Once in the car (and away from prying eye’s watching me with these drinks for people that don’t want to drink alcohol) I decide it. Eh fuck you all. You are no less of a man if you don’t drink beer. I will no longer be shamed by friends laughing at me for not having a “tall budlight” with them at the restaurant . When I drink real alcohol, I have long islands, and anyone that’s had a good long island, knows you don’t fuck around if you are drinking those. So it’s not like I’m always drinking fruit-cake drinks (see examples) all of the time, just when I don’t want to get hammered. So you know what people, I say raise your twisted tea’s high, raise your smirnoff ice’s, hard apple cider’s, your wine cooler’s, mike’s hard lemonade, and other such drinks high, and proclaim “fuck you all, beer is gross.” This is a call to arms. So stand up my fellow girly drink drunks and stand tall. We will not be harassed by you fat redneck beer drinking asshole’s again. Next time you make fun of me for not drinking beer, I’m going to punch you in the throat. And that’s just for the first time offense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sweet smirnoff ice waiting for me.