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Jan 1 / Jeremy Halvorsen

No title…don’t care to make one up.

Well, it’s 2009. Maybe I’ll post something about the whole new year thing and whatnot some other time, because right now, I just don’t give a shit about it. Just like last year, and every other year for the last few, this past year sucked and the next one has to be better.

I re-read my post from January 2007, and in it I wrote…

This year sucked, and if you know me you know why, and I’m here to put it in writing, if 2007 is as awful as 2004, 2005, and 2006, this is the final New years Day post I’ll be putting up, because I’ll have killed myself.

Well, I didn’t post anything last January, because really, I don’t have much to say, but apparently I’m all talk with no follow through. :)

To the best of my recollection tonight was the first New Years Eve since January 1, 2005 that I haven’t gone to the grave site at midnight. I feel very weird about it. Â Not very happy about it. Today we had a decent snow storm, and really, I kinda doubt they’d have plowed the place, and midnight would not be the time to get stuck slamming into a gravestone and not being able to get out.

Bart: Dad, knocking over gravestones is bad luck!
Homer: Really? I heard good.

That’s from the Simpsons…obviously, and seems fitting. There’s also the fact that it’s 7 degrees out there, dark and scary as shit by myself at midnight there. But really, I’m torn. I feel I can come up with all the excuses in the world, but I still should have gone.

It’s weird. I know my brother isn’t at the graveyard, I know I have just as good of a chance of talking to him and having him hear me sitting here on my couch as I do standing over his footstone in freezing temperatures spooked at every little sound, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Truthfully, I feel like shit. I think a part of me used all these excuses as a reason to not go, because eventually I’m not gonna be able to make it every year. And while I for some reason feel I should go, my logical side fights with me saying he wouldn’t want or expect me to go there every year, because if the roles were reversed (goddamn it I wish the roles were revered) I certainly wouldn’t want or expect him to do the same. I mean when he was here, I’d make damn sure to call him and tell him happy birthday every year on the phone, but I certainly didn’t drive over and see him every year. And of course I still plan on going during the day tomorrow, when it’ll be sunny out and hopefully plowed, but still, it just feels like something I should do. I don’t know. Â Blah blah, I’m sad crying and babbling right now, hopefully what I’m trying to say is coming across.

Anyway, this is my fourth christmas and new years without my brother. I don’t really know why I post these, not many people (if anyone) reads these, and I think I like that, I think it makes it easier to post stuff like this. Â I do feel it’s gonna be interesting to look back some day and see how hard it was, or hopefully how it seemed to get easier over time. It’s still damn tough. I still cry like a fucking baby thinking about it. Â It’s certainly gotten easier over the years, I am able to talk about what’s happened and stories about him and get through most things fine, but christmas fucking sucked after a great day with the family, stopping by the grave stone just really brought it all back again. If I think about it, or think about the finality of it all, it’s tough, but those thoughts are not on my mind every day anymore.

Madison has taken to asking me how her daddy died. Twice I’ve been asked this in the past two weeks. Let me tell you how hard it is to answer that question from a curious daughter without breaking down crying and freaking her out because she wouldn’t understand. She understands her father took a fall, she understands he’s dead, but doesn’t quite understand the finality of that. She likes hearing stories about her daddy, and like a month ago, she was looking at the pictures in my wallet (a couple of her, and one of her daddy) and she just sat there holding it, staring at the picture, and for a little while was hugging the wallet and picture close to her heart. I really like that she’s interested and misses her father, but it’s still really tough to deal with. I really don’t know if I’ll never be like “oh, yeah, my brother passed away, and I won’t get to see him again, but that was a while ago, while it’s sad I’m fine.” I just don’t really see that in the future

I don’t know. Every year I post something like this, or every October 15th, it’s just me babbling trying to spit out what I’m getting at and failing. But I keep doing them. Hoping it’ll make things easier. Blah, it’s 3:00, I should get some sleep. Happy Birthday Bobby. I miss you buddy.

bobby_madison_color

I really have a quote in my head, I don’t feel like going into it’s significance, but I do feel like posting it, not sure why. Well, I do know why, but I don’t feel like going into it. But don’t worry, it’s not some call for help or anything.

I Have a complicated case of escapism — Sage Francis

Filed under Personal
4
Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

4 Years

Nothing insightful…I still miss my brother. RIP Bobby

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0
May 29 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Fellow Gym Members…We Have To Talk

Hey there, have a good workout? Great. Now come on in, gather around, we have a few things to talk about. It’s great you’re a member at the same gym as I am, but…you’re doing it wrong.

First and foremost, I feel it imperative for everyone to read The Rules of the Gym to cut back on most of the typical stupid bullshit.

Now I don’t really want to call certain people out…but…oh hell, who am I kidding, your full name would be here if I knew it, and your phone number so people can call you and tell you to stop being a fucking jerkoff. In no particular order…

Fortunately, I’m perfect, so I feel fine judging all these people, well that, and the fact that no one reads this.

- Everyone: Now when you got up you knew you were going to the gym right? Or maybe it was a spur of the minute decision but you definitely knew as you drove your car over to the gym, or your bike, or walked. Either way, as you turned onto the road and into the parking lot, you were aware you were going to be going into the gym to workout, right? Now a part of working out is scanning your card so the gym knows you’re a member, seems like a normal thing and you’ve done it every day for 3 years, so you know what to expect. Then please explain to me why the fuck you can’t have your goddamn card out you stupid piece of shit? Why can you not anticipate the fact that they’re going to ask for your card to scan? Is it a surprise to you every day? Do you come in expecting to walk in and not have to scan your card because you’re super important at some shit company you hate working for? No, you know to expect it, so be fucking ready. You are obligated to have your card out prior to reaching the door, i know what you’re saying “I have to get it out of my gym bag, so I gotta put it down, and I like putting it on the counter so I can easily go through it.” Ok, terrific, I wonder if just maybe you could go through your bag while it’s on your cars seat? I know, I know, it’s asking a lot, but just do it, or as I get more angry from working out more, I will be more inclined to punch you in the mouth.

- The Douchebag With The Shitty Gray Slicked Back Hair and the Thin Gray Mustache That Makes You Look Like A Pedophile: We’re going to pick on you personally first, as just the other day you were in front of me in line holding me up for this very issue. You sir, are a dick. As if your looks didn’t let us know, as if your wanton disregard of courtesy by having your card ready aren’t enough, you have to walk out in a baby blue sweat suit? Seriously? We’re talking about baby blue sweatsuit. The old school type, we’re talking elastics around the wrists, ankles, waist, ya know, the kind your parents made you wear until you could realize what you saw in the mirror and stopped wearing matching sweat suits (except velour you throwback motherfucker). Good choice. And while I’m at it, stop sitting right fucking next to someone you don’t know on the goddamn exercise bike when there are 10 to each side of him.

- Goddamn Korean Woman Who Walks Around Like She’s Doing The Fucking Sprinkler Dance: Seriously…ENOUGH. I can’t take you walking around the gym like that, or being on the elliptical like that, I simply can’t take seeing that shit out of the corner of my eye, it makes me want to scream. You walk around like a fucking jackass, in case you don’t realize what you’re doing, let me paint a picture….picture the sprinkler dance, but with the arm at an 85 degree angle from the body. And you bounce the arm like the sprinkler dance move as well. I simply cannot finish doing my set, or finish up on the elliptical with you doing that shit, distracting me and making me want to break your arms, so um…go ahead and stop.

- The Asshat With The Headband and Wristbands: Dude, take it easy, you don’t have to clang the weights and walk around with your chest puffed out to let us know you’re an asshole, we all got it the second you walked out of the locker room looking like you’re set to film a 1980’s aerobics video, and you don’t even have the courtesy to wear neon colors.

- The Big Fucking Twat Who Can’t Park His Big Fucking Piece of Shit Buick Lucerne: You big tall twat, it’s a $30,000 fucking car. It’s not a Maybach. You do not need to park it like a fucking jerkoff across 3 spaces, because you’re worried about someone hitting it or scratching it, because believe me, that’s going to get your car hit or keyed much quicker than parking normal. I’m sure you’re just used to parking like a big pompous sack of shit when driving around in your Phantom and it just passed over to this little hunk of shit Buick right? That’s got to be it. You sir, park like a fucking idiot. I hate you. Worried about someone parking next to your car? Park around the back, or maybe go buy a big Buick branded bubble you can put around it. You need a slap in the moth.

- All You Old Exhibitionistic Shitheads: I’ve been in locker rooms since freshman year football, I’ve showered naked in the same locker room with other teammates just like every other hetero male that’s played sports, and really, who gives a shit, no one’s looking at your bits and pieces. But you fuckers are taking it too far. Wear a goddamn towel, once you leave the shower room, it’s time to wrap a towel around yourself. If I accidentally walk by the shower room and you’re drying off, no harm, no foul, my fault. But once you cross out of that room, you’re just a fucking prick. No one needs to see your shitty old wrinkly body, wear a goddamn towel. This is a gym, not Hedonism II. This walking around the gym naked shit has got to stop. You wear a towel like a fucking civilized human, you stand up with the towel wrapped around your waist, you bend over (towel still on) pull on your underwear under the towel (towel still on) get them adjusted then BAM take the towel off. This is not your fucking bathroom at home. Walk around naked all day, whatever, but keep that shit there.

- The Indian-ish Guy Who Wears a Fanny Pack: Really? A fanny pack? You don’t have any kids that can maybe give you a clue? If not, let me help…you don’t wear a fucking fanny pack. You wear shorts, you wear shorts with pockets.

- The Big Balding (I’m Running Out of Derogatory Terms Somehow) Who Walks Around With a 430423oz Big Gulp Soda Cup: First off, let’s assume that ungodly big Big Gulp cup from 7-11 has water in, because if you’re coming into the gym, and working out and drinking soda to replenish yourself, you enjoy them kidney stones and diabetes. Secondly, go buy a fucking water bottle. A nalgene bottle can be bought for like $10-$20 and you look like much less of an asshole, though unfortunately it won’t help your rather unfortunate hairline.

- The 60 Year Old Walking Billboard For Why To Hire A Good Plastic Surgeon: Seriously, next time, save up for the better plastic surgeon. I mean, basing the fact that you didn’t die from the surgery as a factor, I guess he’s better than that one that killed Kanye’s poor mother, but he didn’t do you any favors. I could see you wanting to look younger, but it’s frightening. It’s not natural at all. Some not natural plastic surgery can be accepted, fake tit-tays for instance, but whatever the issue is, botox, or too many facelifts, or whatever, it’s magical, you look great, you almost look a little like a more fucked up 90 year old run down Victoria Beckham…sexxxxxxxy.

- The Cocksucker That Always Wears A Tanktop, Weight Belt and Shorts: My second biggest annoyance in the gym…second only to the fuckface who can’t park his car properly, but worse because I have to see it the whole workout, not just when I pull into the parking lot. STOP FUCKING TALKING! WORK OUT! It’s a fucking gym, not a social club you piece of talkative shit. Stop it…just…don’t. Polite conversation is fine, maybe getting into a relatively involved 30 minute conversation over the course of the whole workout, fine, it happens, but not every single day, not literally an hour (the entire time I’m lifting weights, you’re talking to someone or another person and I’ve seen you do literally 2 lifts. Not two exercises, 2 sets. You’re not talking about anything important, this isn’t the fucking water cooler, do your fucking workout, get off the equipment and go sit on your thumb, go work at the office, sit around the water cooler and talk. And so help me, if it gets back to me that you brag about how you’re “always working out, at the gym 2 hours a day, you’re really into it” I will hunt you down and break a leg. You do 2 exercises in that time. You sir…are a jackass.

To the rest of you, don’t think I forgot you, I know there are a few other offenders in here, I’m looking at you Stepford Wife that wears fur coats and earings to the gym then walks around with the worlds biggest walkman (yeah…a walkman) with the antenna pulled out to listen to radio, and the woman who runs the daycare that comes in with a hat that’s much too small for your head and just rests on top of it styled in cheetah print. But you guys aren’t bad, you seem nice and are far from the biggest offenders, but I felt the need to get us all together to point this out so we can help each other make better choices. Make this gym a better place for us all, and make yourself a better person. Now that this stuff has been brought to your attention, go out there, workout and enjoy your life where you’re less of a piece of shit, and might just become a decent person.

Just don’t go writing snarky blog posts bad mouthing others when you’re clearly not perfect. Everyone hates that.

Filed under Anger
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Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

3 Years

3 Years.

36 Months.

156 Weeks.

1,092 Days.

26,208 Hours.

1,572,480 Minutes.

94,348,800 Seconds.

188,697,600 Tears.

And still some days it can feel like mere moments ago.

I miss you Bobby.

Rest In Peace.

Filed under Personal
3
Jan 1 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Auld Lang Syne

Well, another year down. Not too sure what to write, just feel the urge to, even though it’s 2:34 and I’m exhausted. This year sucked, and if you know me you know why, and I’m here to put it in writing, if 2007 is as awful as 2004, 2005, and 2006, this is the final New years Day post I’ll be putting up, because I’ll have killed myself.

I used to love New Years, a good reason to stay up, everyone makes a big deal…now I hate it. I’m kinda nervous that it’s not going to get easier for me. Everyone says the first year is tough, but after the 2nd year it gets easier. Yeah, that’s not quite working out for me. I’m able to not have missing Bobby on my mind every single day, I still think about him, but it’s easier, I still cry, but it’s easier to not focus on how he’s really gone all the time, but as soon as I think about it, it’s like it was yesterday. Christmas was hard, and tonight was brutal, I was able to fight it and think of it as “New Years Eve” for most of the night, but just like last year, and the year before that, as the countdown starts I lose it, it’s not New Years Eve, it’s Bobby’s birthday, and I can’t call him to wish him a happy birthday like I did for many years before. Now I get to go to the cemetery and let me tell you, that’s not the same fucking thing, doesn’t make anything even remotely easier.

I hate this, and I’m just babbling now, but I really miss Bobby, and as for every other year, hell, day, I pray that he’s happy up there, and able to look over us.

Blah, this post sucks, but I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to write besides “I miss you Bobby” so f it. I’m done.

Happy Birthday Bobby

Me and Bobby
lovely picture of us, eh?

Filed under Random
3
Dec 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Quicksilver!!!

Ok, I haven’t been able to shut up about a program I’ve been using a lot, and no one wants to hear it so I figured I’d post it here. Now…I know maybe 3 people read this blog (2 if you don’t count me) and I’m betting not a single one has a Mac, but I still felt like explaining how much I love this damn program.

When I first got my mac, I heard a lot about quicksilver from everyone so at some point I decided to check out their website http://quicksilver.blacktree.com for reference, and saw this imposing little description…

A unified, extensible interface for working with
applications, contacts, music, and other data.

Does that make sense to you? Cause hell…even now that I use the program I can’t tell you what that means. What I do know is now that I use the program, I don’t know how I’ll be able to use a PC or a different computer without this app. It’s free…it’s powerful…it’s simple…it’s a beautiful thing.

Now let’s get to what it can actually do.

The program is always running in the background, and you bring it up with a little 2 block display with a simple key shortcut. I use cmd+space. It brings up a simple display, that you can download other themes to change the view, but this one is my favorite.

The easiest, most basic use for it is a launcher. I type “fir” and it auto completes to “Firefox” and shows the firefox icon. If it doesn’t auto complete to that, it will list stuff that start with that, and i can choose down to choose the one i wanted. One of the coolest things is that quicksilver learns from you. So at first, it might not have automatically brought up Firefox, but now that I’ve done it often, and haven’t done many other apps that start with “fir” as soon as I hit ‘f’ or ‘fi’ it autocompletes to Firefox. So the programs you use more often will come up quicker. It’s beautiful.

If I’m feeling lazy, and either don’t have my browser open, or don’t feel like opening it, waiting for my home page to load, then typing in the page i want to go to and hit enter, I can simply start typing a url. If it’s either a favorite in your browser, or a page you go to often, you can type just part of the url or the title, for example i’ve been going to http://www.macheist.com a lot, and it automatically chooses it if i just type “Mach” it auto completes to macheist. Or you can enter a full url in for any website, and apparently, if you don’t put the .com it auto adds it. Then you hit enter, and it opens that link in your web browser. Very nice.

Another time saver is in searching websites. If i have something to look up, normally I have to go through the same thing, open the browser, or bring it to the front, wait for the home page to load, go to the site, search, enter, blah blah, with a different plugin I can simply search the same way I brought up a website. To search wikipedia I type “wikip” it auto completes, I hit tab, it’s got “search” selected, and I hit tab to go to the third box and type what I’m searching for. A real time saver I’ve used quite a few times.

You can also control your itunes through it, which is good if you know specifically a song you’re looking for. I was really in the mood to hear a certain song yesterday, so I brought up itunes, searched by artist, hit right, it gave me a list of the cds, hit right and it gave me a list of the songs, and clicking enter played the song. Convenient in that situation where I don’t feel like bringing up itunes and scrolling down or searching for one specific song.

Another pretty neat plugin is radial menus. I type an application that has a lot of options, like itunes and tab over and hit “rad” and it completes to radial menus brining up this display, making it a little more visual to choose what I’m looking to do. I don’t really use this much as I just don’t know what programs are good with it, because clicking the option doesn’t help me…so basically i use it because it’s good eye candy.

Quicksilver also lets you choose files, and bring up Quicksilver to do something with that program, instead of typing in the name and searching for it. You can set up another shortcut, i use opt+space and it loads the file in the first window. In this example I took the qs7 image file and it brings it into the first box, and if it’s a file that has a view it gives you a preview of the file. From there you can choose to open the file, move, copy, delete, anything you want. One of the great ones is the option to mess with images. With an image selected, I can scale it (which I do often), save it as a different file format. For example, for this blog, I took the pictures, which are by default saved as .png files. I selected all those files, typed opt+space to load them into quicksilver (it does all this immediately) then i chose “scale” then hit tab and entered “80%” or whatever size you want, based on percentages, or actual pixel width and height. Another great option I’m working on figuring out is emailing the file. I can bring the file up, choose email” and i get an option to open the email to compose, or to have quicksilver send it automatically. It’s great.

Blah, well there ya go, I just felt like telling someone some of the awesome aspects of this program, and just typed them here for no one to read instead. The great thing about the program is I haven’t even scratched the surface. the program lets me use a longer clipboard (instead of copying something, and pasting, I can copy up to however many I want, it saves them in its own clipboard, then I can go wherever I want to paste parts and choose which saved piece to paste where. if that makes sense. And another powerful option is to set up triggers. Anything you can do with quicksilver you can set up a quick key shortcut to do automatically. For example, I have a folder of Madison photos, say I want a quick way to do a slideshow of them, to show someone, I’d set up a new trigger top choose that folder, then play the slideshow. Then I could set up a key combination I’d remember, like opt+cmd+m and whenever i do that shortcut it automatically launches the madison pictures slideshow. Awesome and very powerful.

god I love this program.

Filed under Mac
1
Sep 24 / Jeremy Halvorsen

25: Fat, Balding, and going nowhere

[ Image taken from postsecret.com ]

So, here I sit at 2:26am on a Sunday morning, fighting another losing battle against insomnia. Everytime I lie down my mind starts racing, and I normally don’t get more than 5 hours of sleep a night, and it’s not helping. I’ve had some HUGE changes in my life, and they’re not turning out for the best. For a while, I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to end up owning the boat company. Sure, I’d said that I’d triple business, and that I’d want to open up some other types of businesses that I don’t have to be very hands on with, just to do something on my own. Though even as I said the words, in the back of my mind I knew it was just words. I knew that I’d eventually take over the company, ride my daddy’s coat tails through life, much as I’ve done to get to where I am today. The best I knew I could hope for was to match what he was doing. So here, after the store had closed, I’d thought “this is a great thing for me, I wish that it didn’t happen this way, and he was able to sell out of the company, but this gives me a chance to do something with my life, to prove myself, to prove I have what it takes. And ya know what? No matter how many people I hear tell me what “a great opportunity this is for me”, “I wasn’t getting paid as much as I should have at the company anyway”, “I’ve got a head for business”, “and with my knowledge in computers, any company would be lucky to have me.” yeah, well no matter how many times I hear it, or repeated the same phrases to myself and others, I still can’t bring myself to believe them.

I’m trying to tell myself it’s a great opportunity to do something with my life, and I feel more like I’m at an impasse. It’s going on a month this upcoming week that I’ve been out of work collecting unemployment and I haven’t so much as applied to a job. Hell, let’s go further, it’s been a month and I haven’t so much as found a single job I think I could get and would like to do. I’ve done a lot of thinking since this all went down (ok…a week after it went down, it was mainly just a lot of video games that first week) and I haven’t gotten any answers, just a lot more questions. I don’t have a dream, I don’t have any goals, I clearly don’t have any self confidence, and I’m scared. I don’t admit that much, but there, it’s out there, I said it. I don’t know who the hell Jeremy is. I’m not doing anything I love, I don’t have any dreams or aspirations, or ambitions, I’m simply existing and doing a shitty job at it. I have no goals, no dreams, and I’m 25, I should have plenty and be on my way to achieving them. I have nothing. I can’t think of a single thing I’d like to do for work, that I could do. I don’t have any sort of goals on what I’d like to be, I don’t have any sort of goals on how I’d like to achieve getting money. Fuck, I don’t have any sort of goals on what I want to do with my life at all. The only thing I have going for me, that I do at all during the week is spending my Sundays with Madison. But other than that, I do nothing, all week.

I don’t have any friends left, I don’t meet new friends, the only friend I have at all is my girlfriend, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell you why she’s stupid enough to stick with me. I can’t even manage to treat her with the respect and dignity she needs and deserves, the only reason I still have her is she understands my sense of humor, and for some reason loves me enough to put up with me. I don’t like myself, I’m a bitter, caustic disgruntled man. Every day I walk around, and find myself saying “I hate this person for this…” or “i hate when people do that…” and screaming at the top of my lungs at some person driving their car a little slower than I’d like. 90% of the things that come out of my mouth are negative. The majority of my sense of humor come at others expense, for the people that understand it’s just my sense of humor, it’s usually fine, they can take the joke, but the ones that don’t, or the ones I hurt, well, I’m sorry, and I don’t like that I’m like that. Physically, I can’t stand myself, and that’s something I can easily fix, as opposed to changing myself in other ways, and I can’t even do that. I’ll have great weeks going to the gym, but in the end, I just end up stopping again.

God, it’s already 3:00am so that will help explain a little bit of why I’m babbling and most likely incoherent. I just don’t know what to do, I feel like an absolute failure, and it’s wearing on me. I’m hoping getting this off my chest helps me somehow, helps me to get something going. I have so many people I can confide in and want me to talk to them about my problems, but I just can’t, kinda pathetic that instead I post something like this to a website that anyone can see. Yeah, no one does, because no one checks out this site, or even the blog anymore since I never update it anymore (did anyone even read when I did update it?! no.) but yeah, that’s where I chose to reveal my fears and feelings. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve got my bike up for sale, soon in the paper and bargain news, if I can sell the bike quick, I think I’m gonna have to take 2-4 weeks, and travel, and hopefully find myself. But that won’t work out, I’m sure the bike won’t sell quick, because honestly, things just don’t work out for me. So anyone who stumbles upon this site and reads it that wants to a) Purchase the bike for $17995 to have an awesome bike and get me out of this spot b) Finance my lovely trip to find Jeremy or c) Offer me a plush $50+k a year job Feel free to contact me. now, I’m gonna go try to get to sleep, and I’m gonna hold my breath on one of these options coming through, that should help with the “getting to sleep” part anyway. :P

Filed under Personal
3
Dec 25 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Christmas Roundup

Dear Bobby, Another Christmas without you.

It’s been tough. For most of the day I’ve been able to keep it out of my mind, but visiting your grave site tonight really brought me back. I wish you were here today…and every day to see how awesome your beautiful daughter has turned out. And I’m not going to lie, I got a lot of great gifts today, but I didn’t get the one thing I’d be willing to trade them all for; a single $20 bill from you…like we’ve always done. Of course I had a $20 in my wallet that you would have gotten in return, in our typical fashion.

Madison was awesome this entire day, she had an idea what was going on, helped unwrap gifts and was simply precious. I got her a talking Elmo doll that uploads her name, birthday, favorite colors, all of that stuff into it, and uses that when talking, I got her some clothes, and an entertaining dinosaur toy that I really can’t describe. She got a ridiculous amount of stuff…really as everyone did. I missed you at breakfast this morning, I just know you could have been there, and gotten along with everyone, but of course we had to waste the way too short amount of years together with you fighting with someone, I just know it’d be different this time, and we’ll never get it. I just know you’d have been there with all of us at Mom and Dad’s, we know things wouldn’t have been perfect, but I’m positive in my heart things would have been different, and we all would have gotten along like the old days. It pains me to say “The Old Days” when really it just means “a few years before we lost you” but there’s gotta be a reason. Over a year and 2 months later and I still can’t really face that you’re gone, and that’ll just be further emphasized come New Years when you’d be turning 24 with us, and you’ll only be turning 23 in spirit with us. I don’t think New Years will ever be the same ever again, without ever getting a call or to call you right after 12 and wish you a Happy Birthday.

But I still have another week before that heartache. I miss you Bobby. I don’t know what happens after death, but I pray you can watch over us all, and see how much we miss you. And I hope you’re spending Christmas with some folks that make you happy.

Merry Christmas Bobby. Rest In Peace my friend. I love you. Love, Jeremy

Filed under Personal
2
Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

A year later

Well, It’s late, I’m tired, but I feel the need to write a little something.

365 days and roughly 12 hours ago I received the worst call I’ve ever had to answer in my entire life. For those who don’t know the story, my parents were in Florida, and I was in Florida for a cruise through work. My brother was watching my condo for me, and him and Erica were going to take care of the stupid cat and fish. I landed in Ft. Lauderdale, where I got off the plane, and waited for a little while to get on a bus to take us to Miami to leave the port. I turn my phone on to call my friend Mike to let him know when to pick us up. Not sure why I felt the need to turn the phone on to do that, as normally I probably would have left it off until on the plane or until I had to call someone. I get a voicemail from my father “Jeremy, it’s Dad, give me a call as soon as you get this I have to talk to you.” nothing too upset or worried about, he didn’t say it was important so I didn’t feel the need to call him back, besides we were just about to go on our way to get on the bus. I wait in line and finally get our luggage on the bus and sit in our seats and wait to take off when my phone rings. It was my buddy Pete… “Jer, have you talked ot your father?” “no, why? what’s up?” I ask. and with a hesitation I hear “…just call him.” I was nervous it would be bad, but never expected anything like what the call was going to be. I’m on the bus, surrounded by people, call my father, ask what’s up and get a simple tear filled response.. “…Bobby’s dead.” for the rest of my life those words and the way he said them will forever stick with me. Of course I did the standard “are you serious?” knowing full well this isn’t the kind of thing you joke about. I was in shock, then the tears started, I told Aimee who was sitting next to me, and say “let’s go, we have to get off the bus” and rush off the bus.

Luckily Aimee was there and while she was upset, she was no where near as destraught as me, and was able to handle everything because I knew damn well I’d have no chance of it. I have never been hit with anything near that much grief in my entire life. I’ve had people I loved and really cared for pass away, and I’m usually able to keep my composure enough to not cry and all that in front of the family, I had no choice. I broke down and screamed and cried in front of 50 complete strangers, then however many people there were in the airport that I could not see through my tear filled eyes. We worked it out to get a plane ticket back and remember Aimee and the airline person talking, and Aimee relaying “they’re going to get tickets, obviously you won’t have to pay for the change” and I remember saying “I don’t give a fuck what it costs, get me home.” The earliest plane flight back was 6 or 7 hours later. 6 or 7 of the longest most miserable hours of my entire life. I did everything I could to get home faster, but there was nothing.

So amidst nonstop crying, thoughts of despair, and yes, thoughts of suicide, my head was pounding and I was starving. It’s an airport…there’s only shitty food, so all I was able to eat was grease, and between the crying, and hunger, and grease, I had the worst headache I’ve ever had. I wanted to die. Well, to end that story, obviously I got home and was able to be with my family, which while it offered consolation, didn’t bring my brother back. I cried and screamed…didn’t bring my brother back. I begged god…didn’t bring my brother back. I cursed god, Bobby’s boss…didn’t bring my brother back. Since the moment I heard what happened, I’ve had the constant tthought of “why my brother? why not me? If I could give up my life to bring him back, it’d be done. Madison needs a father, not an uncle, I’ve lived a good life, I’ve had everything I could want, I’ve enjoyed my money, my time, it was my time to go. My brother never got to experience that really. To this day, I’d gladly spend the rest of my life burning in hell to bring him back. But that’s not how it works. So there I was, for many many months…so many in fact, it still hasn’t ended.

People seem to keep asking “how long does it feel like?” my answer … “it depends.” If I can block it out of my mind and not think about it, it feels like a year or two, but when I can’t, and I just think about it, it feels like it happened yesterday. I have gotten absolutely no closure on the fact that my brother is gone, and I really don’t see any in sight.

I really am babbling and don’t know where I’m going with this. I still miss my brother, I’d give up the world to have him back for his family, and I’ll never get that chance . I’ve gotten my brother out of plenty of trouble, getting his ass beat, going to jail, loaning him money, etc etc, and in this I failed. I realize there is nothing I could do, and I don’t blame myself, but it’s the brothers job to watch out for the younger brother, I’ve tried, but this one was out of my hands and that infuriates me. Basically, I’m exactly where I was a year ago, I just find it easier to not think about it 24/7, but when I do I’m right back where I was.

I miss my brother. If he had this year, I feel he would have straightened his ass out even more, and he could have well been on his way to being the man I always knew he’d be when he grew up. Goddamnit, I’m babbling, and have no idea where to go here. I miss you Bobby, and sadly I don’t believe in the afterlife, but I pray I’m wrong to get to see you and hang out with you some day.

(also, I hope they have the internet up there, otherwise you can’t read that anyway :)

RIP Robert Stephen Halvorsen

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Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn’t cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn’t get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you’ll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came
and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I’d have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye
For all my life, I’d always thought,
I didn’t want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
It almost seemed impossible
That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I’d say good-bye and kiss you
And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
Would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven’s gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne, He said,

“This is eternity,
And all I’ve promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
And since each day’s the same way
There’s no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful,
So trusting and so true.
Though there were times you did some things
You knew you shouldn’t do.

But you have been forgiven
And now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand
And share my life with me?”

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here, in your heart. – David Romano

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Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

It’s been a year

Please, don’t ask me if I’m over it yet… I’ll never be over it. Please, don’t tell me he’s in a better place… He’s isn’t with me. Please, don’t say, “At least he isn’t suffering…” I haven’t come to terms with why he had to suffer at all. Please, don’t tell me you know how I feel…Unless you have lost a brother. Please, don’t ask me if I feel better…Bereavement isn’t a condition that clears up. Please, don’t tell me “At least you had him for so many years…” What year would you choose for your loved one to die? Please, don’t tell me God never gives us more that we can bear…Who decides what I can bear? Please, just tell me you are sorry. Please, just say you remember him, if you do. Please, just let me talk about him. Please, just let me cry if I must. -unknown

just wanted to put that up, i’ll write something later.

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Oct 1 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I love redbull

I love redbull…

Whee!! how’s that for the first update in over 6 months!?

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May 23 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Just another stupid quiz

Your Deadly Sins
Wrath: 80%
Greed: 60%
Pride: 60%
Envy: 40%
Lust: 40%
Sloth: 40%
Gluttony: 20%
Chance You’ll Go to Hell: 49%
You will die in prison, in a puddle of your own blood.

How Sinful Are You?

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May 7 / Jeremy Halvorsen

More Than You Know

Ya know what? It’s harder than you think. I don’t give a fuck how badly you can picture it hurting, if you haven’t gone through losing a parent or a sibling it’s hundreds of times worse than you can picture. To know that I will never see a new picture of my brother, I will never get to spend a couple hours playing a video game with him, taunting him as I used to in Burnout 3 (awww…do you need your big brother to beat that level for you?), I’ll never get to have him kick my ass in Madden 200x again, I’ll never get another heart to heart, I’ll never get another chance to drink with him and play beirut with him, like he had tried to get me to on so many occasions. I’ll never again get a hilarious night with him like I did the one time I took him up on the beirut, he kept trying to slap me joking around (beer muscles) and went for it one final time, slipped on beer trashing the kitchen, knocking the table over, a huge mess, but a great laugh. I’ll never get to have dinner with him again, or see him appreciate the little things I’d do for him, like buying him that rocking chair for them with Madison. What I believe is the very chair he sat in while singing “Don’t Cry” to his baby girl 12 hours before he’d be taken away from us forever. I’ll never get to see him laugh so hard he couldn’t breath as he did on numerous occasions, the last one being at the big E and especially on the way home from the Big E. I’ll never be able to sit with him in the kitchen retelling stories of our youth together, as I get to see my father and his brothers doing every time they get together. I’ll never get the chance to poke fun at him to his face about how he had a tattoo that took up a decent part of his back, and I had to get the very same tattoo enlarged to fit well on my arm. I’ll never get to bail him out of anything again, I’ll never get a chance to protect him. I’m the big brother, it’s my job to protect him, this time I failed. There was nothing I could do, it wasn’t like before, I couldn’t loan him money to keep him out of trouble, I couldn’t step behind him when anyone tried to start shit with him, and I wish there was some way I could have done…anything. I never even thought about how dangerous the job was, to warn him about it, and urge him to do anything else. But now my brothers gone, and I’ll never see him again.

WHY THE FUCK IS IT THAT THE ONLY WAY I CAN GO VISIT MY BROTHER IS IN A FUCKING GRAVEYARD??!

and this fucking moron who sent the guys out on a roof, when it was raiining a little gets to go home to his family. They shouldn’t have been on that fucking roof, but what does that piece of shit care? He’d been written up 3 or 4 times by OSHA before, never made any fucking safety changes, so why would he worry about a little thing like rain?

OSHA – Occupational Safety and Health Association

…

OSHA’s mission is to assure the safety and health of America’s workers by setting and enforcing standards; providing training, outreach, and education; establishing partnerships; and encouraging continual improvement in workplace safety and health.

Bull-fucking-shit. They go around, and complain about us not wearing gloves when we use a fucking glass cleaner at my store, and we get hit by a fine, but these fuckers are out there, using exactly 0 of 3 possible methods of protection. Yellow flags, a spotter on the roof watching everyone, or someone on the ground yelling and warning people if they get too close. They’ve been written up for this before, fined, but im sure not much, and didn’t give a fuck to continue to do it. I don’t know, maybe the 15 minutes it’d take to set up flags was more important than someone’s fucking life. It damn sure was to those pieces of shit at OSHA. At my store, we didn’t have an eye wash station in the rear building (we had one in the other building not very far away) and got fined for that. $1400. Wanna know what OSHA charged Eastern Roofing for the death of my brother? The death of Madisons father. The death of Ericas Husband? The death of my parents son? $1700. No, that’s not a fucking typo. My brothers life was worth $1700 to OSHA. So someone gets a fucking eye irritation ranks right up around there of someone dying due to negligence. Until you experience it, you don’t have any idea what it’s like. I’d give ANYTHING! for a chance to swap places with Bobby. I’ve lived well for long enough, he was just getting there. I’ve had money, been successful enough, had enough fun, Bobby would have gotten through this whole drug thing eventually, and would have been a much better person. Madison needs a father…not an uncle. This is too fucking hard to keep typing, so I’m gonna stop now, and edit it later if I feel like saying anything. Just a shitty little view into my fucked up mind after this situation, after looking at some pictures.

Filed under Anger, Personal
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Apr 27 / Jeremy Halvorsen

…

Cut the shit You’re trying to break me down Then fucking bring it. Stop this coward bullshit Bring it to me. Leave those around me alone Let me take the pain The hurt The sorrow, Whatever may come of it. You may break my spirit Make me cry Make me hurt But you will never break me Ever I refuse.

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Apr 19 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Akon – Lonely

Akon – Lonely

Lonely im so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely, im mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely,

Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got to have one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave

I wont up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn’t by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole left life came crashin

Im so lonely (so lonely),
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain’t neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you’d be gone this long, I jus want u to come home, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl I didn’t mean to shout, I want me and you to work it out, I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy cuz…

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

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Apr 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Love Is

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I was at a wedding tonight, and this phrase really kinda hit home, after getting out of a relationship. After a rocky 3 and a half years, Aimee is now completely over me, or at least over me enough that she realizes she never wants to be with me again, and I realize I have no one to blame but myself. I know I pushed her away, and even though I now know why I did it, after a couple of months of soul searching, too much damage has been done, and sadly she doesn’t want to give me another chance, which I really can’t blame her after giving me so many other times. I’m just glad of a few things, I’m glad I broke up with her (even though i tried getting back and she didn’t want anything to do with it, yeah, im not proud, im not gonna lie and say it was mutual) but if I didn’t do that initial break up, Aimee might still be with me, and hating me, or hating herself and not happy, and I’d never want that. So I guess in a way, it is sort of a good thing that’s happened, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and can now start to try to fix the problems to make myself better, and not have the problems. I really don’t know why I’m sharing this with the 1 or 2 people that might actually read it, but it’s here anyway. Aimee, if you ever read this, I hope you know how truly sorry I am for everything. I really guess that’s about it on the subject, as it’s pretty much a closed case, nothing is gonna happen there. And god I have to tell you, it really sucks when you push away a good one for stupid reasons, If I had it to do all over again, man it’d be so different, but I don’t, so I guess next time I’m just going to have to learn from these mistakes and do better. Well, I’m exhausted, and AMAZED you actually read this. … blah…whatever.

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Apr 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Mudvayne Lyrics

Great song, off of Mudvayne’s new cd, which is great. A lot of these parts explain some feelings now, and instead of posting a long as hell away message, I think I should put it up here.


“Forget To Remember”

What have I done?
Where have I come from?
When I burnt the backs with the sun
through a glass did I seal the loss that’s become me?

Feeling undone
What have I become?
When I turned my back on you
I turned my back on myself and became this machine

Thoughtlessness
Selfishness
Hopelessness
Arrogant

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Shadows in the sun
Filter through us
Still wrestle the demons
that arrested me as a child
Confession rejected

We grow up
To give up
People step on the cracks for wounds
owed paid back Through the words of surrender

Emptiness
Loneliness
Listlessness
Worthless

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories

Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories

Surrender To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you
Surrender to the secretes..inside
Lies within you

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Can’t feel you on the inside
Set down the bag and left it
Lost memory has left me
One again Open up the inside
Admission for the cleansing
Now that I’ve forgotten to remember
Surrender To the shadows
Haunting inside Bleed through you

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Mar 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I got problems

Hah, to people that know me, these answers aren’t gonna be very suprising…but still, obviously it’s not really a diagnosis, but it’s not nice to have a test point out this much stuff :)

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: Very High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

– Personality Disorder Test – Take It! –

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Oct 15 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I miss my brother already

Rest In Peace

Robert Stephen Halvorsen

“Bobby”

You will be missed Bobby.

http://bobby.jeremyhalvorsen.com

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Aug 3 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Life Your Head Up High And Blow Your Brains Out

Have you ever sat there and thought after a hard time? Sat there and though about how easy all of the suffering could be over. A single bullet in the right place, and you’ll never be hurt again.

Of course I’ve thought about how careful you have to be with the shot, or else you end up a drooling vegetable. A big dose of poison could end it, without the fear of having the barrel of a gun pointing at your brain. But with my luck I wouldn’t take enough and I’d just have seizures. I don’t think I could do the hanging thing, with my luck it wouldn’t snap my neck. Also, I think if I slit my wrists it would give me too much time to think about what’s happening, and trying to get help. But think about it. One gunshot and all of the heartache, the problems, all of the pain is gone. You won’t feel the shot, you just have to be a man and get over pulling the trigger.

It must be damn hard to pull that trigger no matter what, but think of all the good it will cause. You’ll never have to worry about that kid that’s bigger than you that beats you up. You’ll never have to worry about your dead end job where you don’t make enough. You’ll never have to worry about a cheating girlfriend, or any girlfriend that wants nothing to do with you. That’s it. No more anything. I don’t believe in heaven or hell, I just feel it’s complete and utter nothingness. You know when you wake up from a sleep and don’t remember your dreams? So it’s just 6 hours of nothingness? That’s what I feel happens. Nothing, you have no idea.

I’ve thought about doing it in the bathtub to try to minimize the mess, because I’d hate for someone to have to come in and clean me up off the carpet, or try to get the blood out of the curtains. In the tub with the water running, then when I’m gone, all someone has to do is redo the tiling in the shower, and throw out the shower curtain. I’d leave separate suicide notes to all of the people that mean something to me. I would try to explain to everyone how it isn’t anyone’s fault. I could never do that to someone, put your entire life and death on them, it would ruin someone forever. I would thank everyone for all they have done. I don’t know what I’d do with my stuff, and I don’t think I’d care. I’d just want a free for all take whatever means something to you.

I’m not depressed enough to do it, but I have to admit, the idea does really interest me sometimes. It’d just be so easy. But think of everyone you would hurt. I don’t think I could do that to anyone. Think of the loss of everyone else. Not a huge loss, but losing anyone sucks. Sure it’s just me, but I’m sure at least a couple of people wouldn’t be jumping for joy. Fucked up huh? Yeah, it’s a shame I’m too embarrassed to go to a shrink.

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May 8 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Girlie Drink Drunk

MOTHERFUCKER! I grumble to myself about how bad I’d like to beat the person who left their cart in the middle of the space. I could see no better retribution for them, than to slam the very cart they are too lazy to return, right into their head. I love the irony really, I mean if they just walked the cart and their fat lazy ass the extra 20 feet, they wouldn’t have the little lines from the cart marking all over their face. I would then tangle them up in the cart and push the cart into the little “corral” they are supposed to be in, effectively trapping them in the cart. Blocking them in, by another cart, they would slowly, painfully wither and die, dehydrated, malnutritioned and for everyone to see. And no one would help them, and you know why? No one would help them because “fuck that cocksucker, he’s a part of the reason we all get so many dents in our cars at the super market. Let him rot in hell (where I figure most people who do participate in these activities end up).”

After my short attention span gets over that I start making my way to the entrance of the friendly neighborhood stop and shop. While walking I do that clever little “trick” us fat people do to trick you all into thinking we aren’t as fat. While walking, I use my thumb and index finger, pinch the fabric in the middle of my shirt, and pull it away from my body, thus convincingly leading you to believe that if you can’t see the outline of my man titties, they are not there…And no one is the wiser.

I take the walk of the champion, straight up to that beer cooler in the back, and scan over all of the many many different beers that are available for my drinking pleasure. Ale’s, pale ale’s, lager’s, Budweiser, Bud Light, Natural Ice, Reddog, Coors and Rolling Rock. I glance around looking at all the people knowing they’re thinking just what I’m thinking “yeah, the cool kid’s enjoying some beer tonight, rock on brother.”

When the coast is clear I slowly shuffle over to left of the cooler. A little further. Past the wine coolers, and into the twisted rasberry wine coolers, hard apple ciders, and various forms of lemonade with a little alcohol in it. Then it hits me, the smirnoff ice I was looking for. Sure I’d rather have citrona, but since it’s no longer available I settled for the next best thing, Smirnoff Ice. Turning to see how many people are looking at me, I know what they’re all thinking “what a bitch. You look like a big fat party animal, I can’t imagine you drinking a girl’s drink.”

I turn while doing my best to deter the bottles from clinking together drawing attention as I make the slow walk of shame back to the register. The walk up, it’s a walk of fame, the walk back I go into stealth mode, sneaking around like a ninja hoping no one see’s me walking with this big box of wine coolers, for lack of a better term. I get up to the counter and know the girl is laughing inside at me. But ya know what? Fuck her. She rings it out, and doesn’t put it in a bag or anything, because I fear a bag isn’t big enough to hide this 12 pack. So I walk across the store, wine coolers in hand, with my head held low.

I get outside, and creep to my car, trying to blend in and draw as little attention as possible. Once in the car (and away from prying eye’s watching me with these drinks for people that don’t want to drink alcohol) I decide it. Eh fuck you all. You are no less of a man if you don’t drink beer. I will no longer be shamed by friends laughing at me for not having a “tall budlight” with them at the restaurant . When I drink real alcohol, I have long islands, and anyone that’s had a good long island, knows you don’t fuck around if you are drinking those. So it’s not like I’m always drinking fruit-cake drinks (see examples) all of the time, just when I don’t want to get hammered. So you know what people, I say raise your twisted tea’s high, raise your smirnoff ice’s, hard apple cider’s, your wine cooler’s, mike’s hard lemonade, and other such drinks high, and proclaim “fuck you all, beer is gross.” This is a call to arms. So stand up my fellow girly drink drunks and stand tall. We will not be harassed by you fat redneck beer drinking asshole’s again. Next time you make fun of me for not drinking beer, I’m going to punch you in the throat. And that’s just for the first time offense. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a sweet smirnoff ice waiting for me.

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Apr 14 / Jeremy Halvorsen

My God I Fucking Hate You

I fucking hate you. No, I loath you, you dumb conniving mindfucking, manipulative, heartless bitch. You had my fucking heart, and played games with it. Everything I knew of you was a lie. Everything I remember of you is shit. To this day I’m still tormented by how you fucked me over in every way you could. You fucked up, I gave you another chance, you fucked me over again, I let you come back. How fucking stupid was I? Your whole life is a fallacy, I doubt you even know who you are. You feel the need to portray yourself as something you aren’t, because you know people would never be bothered with what you really are. You’re useless. You’re a useless pothead, “party girl” slut. I despise you, I have no feelings for you. You were a disposable bitch, a tube sock to blow a load in and throw it away. You fucked around behind my back, and told me how much you loved me to my face. Never enough time for me, your friends were always more important. You were a cruel manipulative cunt. I hold no feelings, or memories in my heart for you, all I hold onto is contempt. Your family is insane. Your father was stupid enough to believe you were a virgin? Fuck NO you weren’t a fucking virgin. I was the best thing to ever fucking happen to you. Someone who legitimately cared about you and you couldn’t care less. I hope you’re alone forever.

Filed under Anger, Personal
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Mar 31 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Our Future Is Fucked

It’s 1:00am I’m flipping through the channels and come across HBOFME, which was airing a show called “Middle School Confessions” with a description of “Candid interviews with students ages 11-14 about issues affecting them, including sexual activity and orientation, violence, alcohol abuse and depression.” I started halfway through the program, on a part where these young 6th or 7th grade girls are discussing how they give guys oral sex because “it makes the guys like them more, and be happier with them.” Some of the facts and some of the stuff going on is mind-blowing. It’s almost humorous in the fact that I am so out of touch of how kid’s are these days. I knew things were bad, but I had no idea how bad. I feel like that older adult that everyone dealt with when they were younger, that had no idea what was going on, like the parent who believes “goodness no Daddy, I wouldn’t have sex with anyone…I’m not married.” Maybe I’m not that naïve, but a lot more is going on than I would have guessed. This got me wondering if things were like this when I was younger. But that’s a different part, and I’ll get to that once I explain a few of the startling facts I’ve found.

We all know children are smoking earlier and earlier nowadays. According to studies 13% of students admitted they used some form of tobacco, like cigarettes, pipes, bidis, cigars, etc, etc, at least once in the past month1. I can’t find the page right now that said this, but I read somewhere else that 34% of kid’s have at least tried smoking before 8th grade. I’ve never quite understood how people are stupid enough to get suckered into smoking. I feel anyone who believes the “it looks cool” or “it will make me look cool” should be punched in the teeth. Marijuana. 37% of the people in the world age 12 and older have tried it at least once2. Absurd huh? I was brought up thinking that eh kids do it sometimes, but parents just don’t. They just stop somewhere along the line, of course that’s not the case. Well, I knew kids smoked, but it’s pretty surprising how young. 20 percent of 8th-graders reported that they had tried marijuana, and 9 percent were current users (defined as having used the drug in the 30 days preceding the survey)2. Again, 20% doesn’t sound like a big number, but these are kids before or in 8th grade.

Sex. Middle school students have sex. What the fuck? One in 12 students (8.3 percent) experience their first sexual intercourse before age 13, and a quarter of all children (24 percent of girls and 27 percent of boys) have had sex by age 15.3 Each year, one in four sexually active teens contracts a sexually transmitted disease.3 Serves ya right…sluts.

Every hour 57 teenagers try to kill themselves.4 Remember kids, go down the arm, not across. And the 8 asprin won’t kill you, try something else. Over 50% of kids admit to drinking before 8th grade.4 2.7% of all middle school students reported using steroids.5 The funniest thing about these findings is that the kids didn’t even know what they were using. When steroid users were compared with nonusers, 47% versus 43% thought that steroids make muscles bigger; 58% versus 31% thought that steroids make muscles stronger; 31% versus 11% thought that steroids improve athletic performance; 23% versus 13% thought that steroids make one look better.5

Peer pressure is not a difficult thing to deal with. I went until I was 18 before I drank any alcoholic beverage. And since then, even now that I am over 21 and can legally drink, I still don’t. I have never in my life done pot. Imagine that? Yes, there is someone alive who has never tried pot. And it’s not because I’m some geek who’s kept away from it, a lot of my friends through high school and college where potheads who smoked way too often, sometimes it was even when I hung out with them, but I’ve never gotten the urge to do anything, and have never been pressured into it, no matter how many times they try. Anyone out there who gives into peer pressure is a worthless pitiful weak person who cares more about having people like them then they care about their own self worth, self control, or personal convictions…pussy. I didn’t have any sort of sexual situation until I was 17 years old. Sure a little of that has to do with me being really ugly but what I’m really curious about is was I really that big of a loser in middle school that all of this stuff was going on, in this high of numbers back then and I was just oblivious? Everyone leave comments and let me know if this was how everything was. I just find these numbers mind boggling, and sure I probably shouldn’t have wasted an hour typing this up, but I’m fucking bored and can’t sleep. Eh screw it, I’ll fix this up later.

References

1. http://www.cancer.org/docroot/PED/content/PED_10_2X_Children_Adolescents_and_Tobacco_Use.asp
2. http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/marijuana/l/blmj3.htm
3. http://www.naesp.org/ContentLoad.do?contentId=523
4. HBO’s show “Middle School Confessions.”
5. http://www.pediatrics.org/cgi/reprint/101/5/e6.pdf

Filed under Random
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Feb 10 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Jessica Simpson


Jessica Simpson…dumb as a brick, but damn fine. I gotta say I sit there and wonder how much Nick can put up with. Yes, she’s incredibly fine…but she’s pretty damn ignorant. Yes, she’s worth plenty of money…but she’s a spoiled prima-donna. Yes, she wasn’t a slut, and was a virgin when they married…but she is a slob, who doesn’t do anything on her own. I’m just not sure, at what point is too much? At what point does a man have to say “ok, no matter how fine she is, I can’t put up with it.” … yeah, you’re right. There isn’t such a point. Gorgeous, a virgin, loaded, a celebrity, good singer, hell I’d probably marry her if she had a lobotomy.

Filed under Random
0
Jan 20 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Best Breakup Song Ever



Click here to download this song from iTunes.

This is the best breakup song EVER.

My brother came over and had me download it, and I have to say I don’t regret it.

Take a look at the lyrics:

Whoa oh oh
Ooh hooh
No No No[Verse 1:]
See i don’t, know why, I liked you so much
I gave you all, of my trust
I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know that i feel

[chorus:]
Fuck what I said it don’t mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, it didn’t mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back

Fuck what I said it don’t mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didn’t mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back

[verse 2:]
You thought, you could
Keep this shit from me, yeah
Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story
Ya played me, ya even gave him head
Now ya askin’ for me back
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere
Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it don’t mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didn’t mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back

Fuck what i said it don’t mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didn’t mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back

Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah

Ya questioned, did I care
You could ask anyone, I even said
Ya were my great one
Now it’s, over, but I truly mean I’m sad
It hurt real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

Fuck what I said it don’t mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses it didn’t mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I don’t want you back

Oh oh Oh oh
Uh hun yeah

Filed under Lyrics
0
Jan 20 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Neither Rain…Nor Sleet…Nor Snow…my ass.

“Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow…as long as it is not an insignificant little holiday, we’ll probably get you your mail.”

Yesterday was Martin Luther King’s birthday, not thinking about it, I went to my mailbox to get my mail, and surprise surprise, there wasn’t any. Why? Is it because I’m just not popular? No, it’s because it was a holiday. So I got interested in what other holidays USPS takes off, here’s what I found…

USPS Calendar 2004 Holiday Closing Schedule:
* Monday, January 19 – Martin Luther King Jr’s Birthday
* Monday, February 16 – Washington’s Birthday (Pres. Day)
* Monday, May 31 – Memorial Day
* Monday, July 5 – Independence Day
* Monday, September 6 – Labor Day
* Monday, October 11 – Columbus Day
* Thursday, November 11 – Veterans Day
* Thursday, November 25 – Thanksgiving Day
* Saturday, December 25 – Christmas Day
* Saturday, January 1, 2005 – New Year’s Day

You’re kidding me right? Presidents Day? Labor Day? Columbus Day?!? If that isn’t quite a big enough heap of shit, look at “July 5, Independence Day”. I’m sure you’re asking “But isn’t Independence Day Sunday, July 4th?” Yes, yes it is. But because it falls on a Sunday, and these employees need even more days off, it must be written into their contract or something, that they get Independence Day off, and even though it falls on a sunday, when they’re off anyway they demand getting a day off of their normal schedule. Now call me crazy, but I feel that you already get the day off, there ya go, you got the holiday off, go on with your life. You didn’t work July 4th, which should be all you ask. Even if it is a paid holiday, just take the money for that sunday if possible, instead of actually taking a day off the next week. People need their goddamn mail. Apparently their thinking is “We already get sundays off, we want our Independence Day off…whether it’s on Independence Day or not!”

That is pretty damn stupid, but lets go further…I can understand being closed New Years Day, and Christmas, and even July 4th, because it’s time’s people normally spend with their family, thinking about whatever holiday it is. When exactly was the last time you all spent MLK day sitting around with family discussing him and his accomplishments? How about George Washington, you get his birthday off, how many of you sit in the living room with tv off, telling stories about George Washington, and what he did for the country? Not a single fucking one of you…and I’d guess not a single one of them either. But they need it off. Why? Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day I kind of understand. I mean no, most people are not going to sit around and talk about the war’s, or the millions that died for us to give us the day off, but maybe there are 5% that do, and they don’t want to offend them, ok, we’ll give them that one.

But Columbus Day? Mother f’n Columbus Day?! Are you kidding me? When’s the last time that you’ve even thought of Columbus since 3rd grade? Why would we need a day off? And besides, Columbus was no reason for a holiday. Columbus was a pillager. Now take a minute to go look at this page and get a little better idea who Christopher Columbus was. Educate yo’self fool! Goddamn municipalities. I know numerous people who work a lot harder than anyone at the post office during a normal day, and ::gasp:: doesn’t get the very important holidays like President’s Day off. The shame of it.

Filed under Personal
0
Jan 19 / Jeremy Halvorsen

The Only Reason To Watch Road Rules…Rachel


I don’t have much to say, I’d just like to profess my undying love to Rachel from Road Rules season 11: Campus Crawl. Word’s can’t quite describe how much I want this girl. Sure, her bisexuality does help with the attraction, but I mean come on, look at that body. Look at that damn perfect stomach, tan, and personality. I know what all the jealous girls out there would say or think, yeah yeah, about her nose, but it doesn’t matter when you have the rest of it going for you like she does. Fantastic…simply fantastic. She may not be the absolute most gorgeous woman out there, but the whole package wraps up into one of my most wanted girls.

Filed under Random
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Dec 23 / Jeremy Halvorsen

The Fifth Element…Shit


Wind, earth, water, fire, and now the all new fifth “element”…shit. Look at this monstrosity. I was driving down the road and saw someone driving one of these hideous pieces of shit. What the hell goes through your mind, when you can go into a Honda dealer, and say “my god, that’s a good looking car, I’d be willing to pay $15-20k for that”. I understand it’s cheap, but personally, i’d rather buy a kia than this. There are so many cars I can go on and on about how big of pieces of shit they are, but i’d have to say, out of the cars I see on the road, this one really takes the prize. Congratulations Honda, if you don’t have cock-suckers that are 2fast2furious driving your stock civics, and adding a sticker on the door, trying to make it custom, then you have people out there getting this with your name out there. Clever…very clever.

Filed under Random
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Dec 23 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Topanga Is A Slut


Well, I’m watching “Boy Meets World” and this is one hell of an episode. That damn Topanga, after all her and Cory have gone through, that damn tramp.

In this episode she and Angela get a job with two “good looking italian guys” (actually they were pretty damn ugly, not quite up to Topanga’s par) but anyway, because Cory won’t go dance with her, she goes with the guys from work…which is bad enough. Then the next day she’s supposed to call Cory to let him know when she gets out, and doesn’t get a hold of him, but just goes out with Angela and the guys again.

Now, what the fuck? I just do not understand how people don’t have a problem with that. How people can go out and grind all up on someone else, and come back and act like it doesn’t mean anything. Girl’s are morons, and see nothing wrong. Sure a lot of this is because I’m a big overly jealous moron, but this seems like a really bad thing to me. I mean of course there are varying degrees of grinding, and normal dancing is bad enough, but grinding is meant to be a sexual thing. You’re dry humping the other person. Yeah it’s done to music, but why is that any different than if you see someone hot in a chair, go hop on top of them and start grinding away, that’d be a problem.

This runs into another problem for me. EVERY FUCKING GIRL LOVES TO DANCE. Why?!? I can’t stand dancing, and I WON’T dance. Hell, today i was watching “King of Queens” and it had a wedding in it, and they showed the first dance scene. You know, the incredibly painful one that everyone sits there and watches, critiques, and makes fun of you…yeah that one. The first thought that came to my mind was “now how the hell can I get out of having to do that first dance?” Honest to god, that’s my thinking, that’s how little I think of dancing. So imagine how tough it is for me to find a girl that doesn’t like dancing. But that’s a totally different topic.

Well, basically, I still love Topanga, but don’t feel she should have done that to Cory, she should have just gone on with her life, or went and danced with the girls.

Filed under Random
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Nov 6 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Motorcycle Maniac

I can now legally drive a motorcycle anywhere I want to. I got my license November 5, 2003. I’m looking forward to being able to drive around, mainly because I think it’ll be nice for people to be able to see my “hand signals” more clearly, without a windshield or roof blocking me.

Filed under Personal, Random
0
Nov 6 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I’ll Wear Shorts If I Fucking Want To

Can someone please explain to me why the fuck it’s such a big deal if I wear shorts into the winter? Do your legs get cold? Mine are never that bad, so I wear shorts. Unless I’m ankle deep in snow, the cold doesn’t affect my legs. Yet every day someone feels the need to say “what is this summer?” for christs sake, shut up.

Filed under Personal, Random
0
Oct 25 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Cute Fuzzy Cat


Well, here ya go. A picture of a damn fine cat. Frightening isn’t it?

Filed under Random
0
Oct 25 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Calvin & Hobbes > *


Goddamn I love Calvin and Hobbes.

Filed under Random
4
Oct 24 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Mac Convert


It’s official. I am now a convert. A “Mac” person.

Damn you Frank. It’s all his fault. I’ve hated Mac’s since as long as I can remember (except simple text, that program that says what you type), even hated them in college when my buddy had 10.1 (a version of their o.s.). Then it happened. When using my buddy Franks iBook, I was dumbfounded to realize…I liked that operating system (10.2). Since then I have purchased my own ibook, an ipod, and a new dual 2.0ghz g5 (the best they make) for a desktop. Now my 2 Mac computers beat out my single pc desktop, to officially convert me over to a Mac person. It’s a cold, cold day in hell apparently.

Filed under Mac
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Oct 24 / Jeremy Halvorsen

Relationships Suck

Relationships sucks

…You know they suck too. But here’s my take on why. It drives me nuts you can spend days, months, years with someone, and never really know their true self. Do you know how they are when they’re away? Do you know how they are when they’re with friends? No, and you can’t. You could be dating someone nice and sweet, and they could really be a monster when they’re away from you. My last girlfriend was just such a person. Pretty nice when we were together, but she lied about EVERYTHING that I never saw. How do you know everyone’s not like this? We can all put on a pretty good front for people. Another thing that sucks…You can never fully 100% trust anyone unless they admit to what you don’t want to hear. If you ask someone if they’ve cheated on you, they can say no, you wont believe them. You’ll ask again, they say no, you agree that it’s silly and you believe them. But the only way you can have 100% confidence in that person (minus video taping their every move, which I’m thinking of trying…just kidding Aimee) is if they admit to what you ask/confront them about. The only thing you can believe is that they did fuck you over. Terrible huh? Lovely society we live in. And damn you all if you are trying to say you don’t feel/do the same things.

Filed under Personal, Random
0
Oct 23 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I Need More Stuff

Well, I need another entry or two to fill out this stylesheet to make it look how I want it to, so I think i’ll do just that. I’m watching “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” on Spike TV right now. If you haven’t seen it, WATCH IT! It’s on every thursday 8-12. It’s a chinese show, with stupid chinese people, doing stupid stunts and taking some painful looking hits when they screw up. The announcers make up names for people, and have commentary and comments from the contestants. Gold. Pure gold. The description on the website says it all…

MXC is the ultimate in reality sports, where the contestants are always physically and mentally challenged. If you enjoy broken bones, splattering spleens, high impact hematomas, and watching people get them, then you’ll love Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. Join the two guys who know hot physical action better than the palms of their own hands, Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship – they put the “FU” back in FUN.

Filed under Random
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Oct 23 / Jeremy Halvorsen

I hate blogs…I hate you

I hate blogs. I hate the whole blog phenomenon. I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone else feels like talking about, except a very select few. I do however, like talking. I am not doing this to have anyone read it, I don’t really know if I’ll even publish it. But I figured I’d jump on the lovely band wagon, next I’m off to train myself into like A & F and listening to Dave Mathews…Well maybe not that far.

Well, this was the first one, you just wait. You don’t know what’s in store for you. I am a weird, dark, disturbed, but always [updated] sometimes slightly amusing person to listen to.

Filed under Random
0

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